How to maintain a successful polygynous relationship

פסחים קיג.

[א"ל] רב לרב אסי לא תדור במתא דלא צניף בה סוסיא ולא נבח בה כלבא ואל תדור בעיר דריש מתא אסיא ולא תנסיב תרתי אי נסבת תרתי נסיב תלת 

פרש"י: ולא תינסב תרי. נשים שמא תתיעצנה עליך רעה: נסיב תלת. שאם תתיעצנה השלישית מגלה לה.

Pesachim 113a

Some advice from Rav: Don't marry two wives. (Because they might conspire against you. Rash"i.) If you've already married two wives, marry a third. (So that if the other two try to conspire against you, the third will rat them out. Rash"i.)

Shaky Business

בבא בתרא קסז ע"א

ההוא שטרא דהוה חתים עליה רבא ורב אחא בר אדא אתא לקמיה דרבא אמר ליה דין חתימות ידא דידי היא מיהו קמיה דרב אחא בר אדא לא חתימי לי מעולם כפתיה ואודי א"ל בשלמא דידי זייפת אלא דרב אחא בר אדא דרתית ידיה היכי עבדת אמר אנחי ידאי אמצרא ואמרי לה קם אזרנוקא וכתב

Bava Batra 167a

There was once a contract that had the signatures of Rava and Rav Acha bar Ada as witnesses. They brought this document before Rava to collect the debt.
Rava said, "That's definitely my signature, but I never signed a document along with Rav Acha bar Ada in my whole life!"
They pressured the bearer of the document and he admitted that it was forged.
"I get that you were able to forge my signature," Rava said, "But how did you forge Rav Acha's signature? His hands are constantly trembling!"
"Easy!" the forger proclaimed. "I stood on a shaky rope bridge and signed it!"

Today, we are often taken aback by how crooked people are. You can hardly walk down the block in Manhattan these days without someone trying to scam you. Unfortunately, this is not a new phenomenon. Scammers have existed since the beginning of time, and will always be around. 

Dating Rav's Daughter

יבמות מה.

ואף רב מורה בה היתירא
דההוא דאתא לקמיה דרב אמר ליה "<עובד כוכבים> {גוי} ועבד הבא על בת ישראל מהו?"
 אמר לו "הולד כשר"
אמר ליה "הב לי ברתך!"
"לא יהיבנא לך!"
אמר שימי בר חייא לרב "אמרי אינשי גמלא במדי אקבא רקדא הא קבא והא גמלא והא מדי ולא רקדא"
א"ל "אי ניהוי כיהושע בן נון לא יהיבנא ליה ברתי"
א"ל "אי הוה כיהושע בן נון אי מר לא יהיב ליה אחריני יהבי ליה האי אי מר לא יהיב ליה אחריני לא יהבי ליה!"
לא הוה קאזיל מקמיה יהיב ביה עיניה ושכיב 

Yevamoth 45a

Rav was also of the opinion that if the father of a child is not Jewish, the child is not a mamzer. One guy (who had a non-Jewish father) once asked Rav, "Am I a mamzer or am I kasher?"

"You're okay." Rav told him.

"Great," the guy responded to him, "I want to marry your daughter!"

"I'm not giving you my daughter." Rav retorted. 

Rav Shimi b. Hiya told Rav, "Put your money where your mouth is!"

"Even if this guy was the next Yehoshua bin Nun I wouldn't give him my daughter!" Rav declared.

"If I was the next Yehushua bin Nun," the guy told him, "I wouldn't need your daughter! I could have any girl I wanted!"

The guy wouldn't get out of Rav's face, so Rav gave him a dirty look and he died. 

Moral of the story: Don't be too persistent when you ask out Rav's daughter or he'll literally (well, maybe not literally) stare you to death. 

Supply & Demand

יומא לח.

 תנו רבנן בית גרמו היו בקיאין במעשה לחם הפנים ולא רצו ללמד שלחו חכמים והביאו אומנין מאלכסנדריא של מצרים והיו יודעין לאפות כמותן ולא היו יודעין לרדות כמותן שהללו מסיקין מבחוץ ואופין מבחוץ והללו מסיקין מבפנים ואופין מבפנים הללו פיתן מתעפשת והללו אין פיתן מתעפשת כששמעו חכמים בדבר אמרו כל מה שברא הקב"ה לכבודו בראו שנאמר (ישעיהו מג) כל הנקרא בשמי ולכבודי בראתיו וחזרו בית גרמו למקומן שלחו להם חכמים ולא באו כפלו להם שכרן ובאו בכל יום היו נוטלין שנים עשר מנה והיום עשרים וארבעה ר' יהודה אומר בכל יום עשרים וארבעה והיום ארבעים ושמונה אמרו להם חכמים מה ראיתם שלא ללמד אמרו להם יודעין היו של בית אבא שבית זה עתיד ליחרב שמא ילמוד אדם שאינו מהוגן וילך ויעבוד <עבודת כוכבים> {עבודה זרה} בכך ועל דבר זה מזכירין אותן לשבח מעולם לא נמצאת פת נקיה ביד בניהם שלא יאמרו ממעשה לחם הפנים זה ניזונין לקיים מה שנאמר (במדבר לב) והייתם נקיים מה' ומישראל

 Yoma 38a
The Garmu family was proficient in baking the lechem hapanim for the Bet Hamikdash, and they refused to teach anyone else their methods. [Fed up with their hold on the practice,] the Rabbanim imported experts from Alexandria, Egypt to replace them. They were able to bake bread like the Garmu family, but they couldn't maneuver the equipment properly. The Alexandrian lechem hapanim would spoil, but the Garmu family's wouldn't. The Rabbanim saw that they were out of options and invited the Garmu family back to their position. They refused. The Rabbanim doubled their wages, and they accepted. They were originally paid 12 maneh for a job and now it became 24. (Ribbi Yehuda says that they were originally paid 24 and now it became 48.)
"Why don't you teach anyone else your proficiency?" The Rabbanim asked them.
"We have a tradition that the Bet Hamikdash will one day be destroyed. We are concerned that our expertise will be used in houses of idol worship if its secret leaves our family, so we guard it jealously."
They themselves never ate fine bread in their home, so nobody could suspect them of utilizing their skills for their own benefit. 

The mishnah quotes this as an example of a family that was remembered negatively. Although their jealously was properly motivated (which was to their merit, according to the berayta) their approach was wrong. And their fee was undoubtedly obscene. A"A uses this as a classic example of people who take the phrase "לעסוק בדברי תורה" the wrong way. 

Buried Alive

מסכת שמחות ריש פרק ח

יוצאין לבית הקברות ופוקדין כל המתים עד שלשים יום, ואין חוששין משום דרכי האמורי. ומעשה שפקדו אחד אחר שלשים יום, וחיה עשרים וחמש שנים ואחר כך מת, ואחר הוליד חמשה בנים ואחר כך מת.

Masechet Semachot Ch. 8

One may go to the cemetery and check up on the deceased 30 days after burial, and we are not concerned that this practice stems from non-Jewish customs. They once checked up on a dead guy 30 days after they buried him, [found him to be alive,] and he lived for another 25 years. There was another guy who fathered five children.

In the 18th century, a government in Europe tried to pass legislation that would delay the burial of a deceased person for a few days to confirm that he is indeed as dead as a doorknob. Moses Mendelssohn tried to use this berayta as a proof that this claim is, in fact, a legitimate one and that the European law should be observed as a measure of pikuach nefesh. The Chattam Sofer and others argued that even though one or two incidents have indeed occurred, they are not definitive enough to require us to disregard the halacha that instructs us to inter the deceased immediately. (The teshuvot can be found in the Pitchei Teshuva Y"D 357:1)

Sincerity

עבודה זרה יח.

תנו רבנן כשחלה רבי יוסי בן קיסמא הלך רבי חנינא בן תרדיון לבקרו אמר לו חנינא אחי <אחי> אי אתה יודע שאומה זו מן השמים המליכוה שהחריבה את ביתו ושרפה את היכלו והרגה את חסידיו ואבדה את טוביו ועדיין היא קיימת ואני שמעתי עליך שאתה יושב ועוסק בתורה [ומקהיל קהלות ברבים] וספר מונח לך בחיקך אמר לו מן השמים ירחמו אמר לו אני אומר לך דברים של טעם ואתה אומר לי מן השמים ירחמו תמה אני אם לא ישרפו אותך ואת ספר תורה באש אמר לו רבי מה אני לחיי העולם הבא אמר לו כלום מעשה בא לידך אמר לו מעות של פורים נתחלפו לי במעות של צדקה וחלקתים לעניים אמר לו אם כן מחלקך יהי חלקי ומגורלך יהי גורלי 

Avoda Zara 18a

When Ribbi Yose b. Kisma was sick, Ribbi Chanina b. Teradyon went to visit him.
He said to him, "Chanina, brother, don't you know that this empire (Rome), was sent by heaven to rule over us- they destroyed His home and burnt His temple and murdered his righteous ones and wore away at His wonders and is still around and about? I heard that you're still teaching Torah to the masses with a Sefer Torah at hand!"
Ribbi Chanina responded: "Mercy will come from Above."
"I'm speaking logically to you and that's how you respond?! I'll be surprised if they don't burn you and your Sefer Torah at stake sooner or later!"
"Ribbi, what's my deal when it comes to the world to come?" Ribbi Chanina asked him.
"Well, do you have any [good] deeds?"
"Once," Ribbi Chanina said, "the money I was gonna blow on booze for Purim got mixed up with the money I intended to give to charity. I distributed the entire sum to the poor."
"If that's so, your share will be the same as mine."

A"A always asks: Here we have Ribbi Chanina, one of the tana'im, who was willing to put his own life on the line to teach Torah to the masses. He belonged to one of the greatest generation of scholars we have had throughout history. Is this really what earned him a portion in olam haba? A couple of bucks that went to charity instead of boozing up?
A"A answers that this wasn't his only good deed. However, it was an act that was performed with complete sincerity. He had no ulterior motives when he distributed this money to charity- no one would have known better and he could have at least taken out part of that sum that he knew he was planning on spending for himself. Harmbam describes Ribbi Chanina's act as being, "בתכלית השלמות האפשרית"  - completely and entirely sincere (Perush Hamishnayot, end of Makkot).
Mitzvot aren't all or nothing- even one act can earn a portion of olam haba. However, sincerity and motive are undoubtedly taken into account. 

Lost in Translation

פסחים מב.

אמר רב יהודה אשה לא תלוש אלא במים שלנו דרשה רב מתנה בפפוניא למחר אייתו כולי עלמא חצבייהו ואתו לגביה ואמרו ליה הב לן מיא אמר להו אנא במיא דביתו אמרי 

Pesachim 42a 

Rav Yehuda said: "A woman should only bake matzot with mayim shelanu."
Rav Matna taught this halacha to the people of Papunia. The next morning, the whole town knocked on his door.
"Give us some of your water!" they demanded!
"Why do you want our water?!" he asked them.
"You said, 'You must use mayim shelanu - our water - to make the matzot.' We would like some of your water to use to bake matzot like you taught us!" 
"No you idiots, not 'our water'! I meant mayim shelanu - water that was drawn the night before! 'Lanu' means 'slept', like the Aramaic word 'bitu'!"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh" the people of the town collectively said.

Amelia Bedelia would have fit right into this town. And if I had to guess, I would presume that Rav Matna was probably exceedingly elaborate when he taught classes in Papunia from then on.

Ribbi Yehuda b. Betera and the Greedy Arami

פסחים ג:

ההוא ארמאה דהוה סליק ואכיל פסחים בירושלים אמר כתיב (שמות יב) כל בן נכר לא יאכל בו (שמות יב) כל ערל לא יאכל בו ואנא הא קאכילנא משופרי שופרי אמר ליה רבי יהודה בן בתירא מי קא ספו לך מאליה אמר ליה לא כי סלקת להתם אימא להו ספו לי מאליה כי סליק אמר להו מאליה ספו לי אמרו ליה אליה לגבוה סלקא אמרו ליה מאן אמר לך הכי אמר להו רבי יהודה בן בתירא אמרו מאי האי דקמן בדקו בתריה ואשכחוהו דארמאה הוא וקטלוהו שלחו ליה לרבי יהודה בן בתירא שלם לך ר' יהודה בן בתירא דאת בנציבין ומצודתך פרוסה בירושלים

Pesachim 3b

There was was an Arami who would hang out in Yerushalayim around Pesach time and eat the korban pesach.
He would boast, "The Torah says, 'A non-Jew may not eat from it' and 'An uncircumcised person may not eat from it' yet I eat from the best of the best!"
Ribbi Yehuda b. Betera told him, "The best of the best, huh? Have they ever given you from the tail-fat?"
"....no." The Arami told him.
"They're just messing with you. They know you're not one of us. That's why they don't give you from the tail-fat, the best part of the sheep!" [In reality, the tail-fat gets burned on the mizbeach; any Jew at the time would know that.] Next time you go, ask them for some tail-fat!"
The next year, he asked for some tail-fat.
"Who told you to ask for tail-fat?" the people of Yerushalayim asked him.
"Your... um I mean OUR great sage, Ribbi Yehuda b. Betera!"
"This don't make no sense...." they said. They checked him and found out that he was an Arami. They responded by executing him. (Some say because גוי שגזל חייב מיתה, although it might have also been because they were pissed off at him for screwing with them all these years.)
They sent a thank-you message to Ribbi Yehuda b. Betera: "You reside in Netzivin, but your traps are set in Yerushalayim!"

Cleaning for Pesach

People are often surprised at how much less strict the halachot of Pesach are when compared to how Pesach is treated in most homes today. People have accepted upon themselves many stringent customs today, such as peeling all fruits and vegetables before consumption, even though they do not always have a legitimate halachic basis. A"A shares the following story when these customs come up:

A man once arrived at home on Erev Pesach to find his wife blowtorching the doorknobs in the kitchen.

"Why are you blowtorching the doorknobs in the kitcken?!" he asked her. 

"What do you mean? I'm preparing them for Pesach!" she answered.

"You don't need to blowtorch the doorknobs!" he told her. 

"Says who?" she asked.

"The Shulchan Arukh!" he answered. 

"Please!" she retorted. "If we listened to everything it said in that 'Shulchan Arukh' of yours we would practically be eating chametz all Pesach long!" 

The Relationship between Stringency and Righteousness

A"A often points out that, unfortunately, Rabbanim today are often valued based on how machmir they are. The more one is oser, the better. Knowledge is only secondary to all this. He illustrates this with the following story:

One erev Pesach, a newly-hired Rabbi was sitting in his office, preparing a derasha. A congregant bursts into his office, nearly in tears.
"Rabbi, something went wrong and I don't know what to do!" she said frantically. "I was hanging up my tablecloths after washing them to use for the seder tonight. After it was all up on the line, I remembered that I forgot to do hag'ala on my laundry hanging rope! What should I do? I won't have tablecloths for the seder!"
"Don't worry," the Rabbi told her, "you can use the tablecloths on Pesach."
Outraged, she stormed out of his office. Taken aback by her response, the Rabbi watched her from the window as she left the bet kinesset. She met one of her friends on her way out, and the Rav heard her tell her friend the following:
"What were they thinking when they hired this new Rabbi?! He's a complete idiot! I went to him with an important question, and he dismissed it without giving it any thought! Our previous Rabbi would always hear my questions out, investigate the topic, read up on the question, and only then would he tell me the halacha. This guy is scamming us!"
The Rav decided to remedy the situation before people start spreading rumors about him. He ran outside and stopped her.
"Excuse me," he called after her, "can you please repeat your question? I'm so sorry, but I was so busy preparing my derasha that I didn't hear you out properly."
"Okay," she said, "I accidentally hung my Pesach tablecloths on a line that wasn't kashered for Pesach!"
"Oh no!" he said. "What were you thinking?! Do you have a spare tablecloth?? Was it intentional or by accident?"
"Please Rabbi!" she pleaded, "it was an accident! I don't have any other tablecloths and I don't know what to do now!"
"Okay, okay, I'll see what I can do. Come back to my office in an hour."
When she came back, she found his desk littered with books. Aware that he was being watched, he walked over to the bookshelf, mumbling to himself and stroking his beard, and procured the largest, oldest-looking volume of the Ri"f he could find. ignoring her, he placed in on his desk, flipped it open to a random page, and stared at it intently for five minutes.
Finally he looked up, saw her there, and said, "Look, since you have no other tablecloths, and since you didn't do it on purpose, there are opinions that you can rely on. I'll let you use the tablecloths this year, but don't do it again! Next year you need to be extra vigilant to not mix up your hanging lines!"
He watched as she walked out of his office. Outside the bet kinesset, she bumped into her friend again.
"I'm sorry," she told her friend, "I seem to have been mistaken. The new Rav is great!"

Go big or go home: Bet Shammai

Anyone who has spent some time in a bet midrash, especially an Ashkenazi one, can attest that sometimes Torah debates can get intense. But I'm willing to bet that you've never seen anyone top Bet Shammai and Bet Hillel, as described in the following Yerushalmi:

ירושלמי שבת א:ד

ואלו הן ההלכות שאמרו בעליית חנניה בן חזקיה בן גרון שעלו לבקרו ונמנו ורבו ב"ש על ב"ה ושמנה עשר דברים גזרו בו ביום... תנא ר' יהושע אונייא תלמידי ב"ש עמדו להן מלמטה והיו הורגין בתלמידי ב"ה.  תני ששה מהן עלו והשאר עמדו עליהן בחרבות וברמחים.

Yerushalmi Shabbat 1:4
These are the halachot which were said in the attic of Hananya b. Hesqia b. Garon when they went to visit him and found that those affiliated with Bet Shammai were more numerous than those affiliated with Bet Hillel. Eighteen laws were enacted on that day... 

R' Yehoshua Onaya taught- the students of Bet Shammai guarded the attic from the bottom, and were killing the students of Bet Hillel to prevent them from entering the attic. It was taught- six of the students of Bet Shammai went up to the attic and the rest of them stood guard with swords and spears.

For obvious reasons, some of the mefarshei hayerushalmi say that this passage is figurative and that nobody actually killed anyone that day. The peshat says otherwise. Even if it did not happen literally, the Talmud phrases it in this manner for a reason. These people took their enactments very seriously. Today we hear of all sorts of insane violence that arises within certain camps in certain circles. Yet we would probably be reluctant to call these tana'im insane. Some of the enactments from that fateful day are still practiced now, such as refraining from eating the bread and cheese of non-Jews. I know I would be reluctant to call them insane, at least while they've got those swords and spears at hand. 

Priceless jewels and worthless scrolls

ירושלמי פאה פרק א הל' א

ארטבון שלח לר' הקדוש חד מרגלי טבא אטימיטון א"ל שלח לי מילה דטבא דכוותה שלח ליה חד מזוזה א"ל מה אנא שלחי לך מילה דלית לה טימי ואת שלחת לי מילה דטבא חד פולר א"ל חפציך וחפצי לא ישווה בה ולא עוד אלא דאת שלחית לי מילה דאנא מנטיר לה ואנא שלחי' לך מילה דאת דמך לך והיא מנטרא לך דכתיב (משלי ו) בהתהלכך תנחה אותך וגו'.

Yerushalmi Pe'ah 1:1 (loosely translated)

Artivon (Pene Moshe thinks he was Jewish, although A"A says that others disagree) once sent Ribbi a priceless jewel as a gift. He asked for a gift of equal value in return, so Ribbi sent him a mezuza.
"Seriously, Ribbi?!" Artivon sent back. "I sent you a priceless jewel and you sent back a rolled-up piece of paper, worth a few cents?!"
Ribbi replied: "First of all, my net worth is a small fraction of yours. Second of all, you sent me something that I have to look after. But I sent you something that looks after you while you sleep easy at night, like the pasuk in Mishle (6:22) says, 'When you walk I will lead you, when you sleep I will watch over you...'"

A"A emphasizes that we are not meant to practice mitzvot in order for them to protect us. Nevertheless, as made clear from this passage in the Talmud, mitzvot can function in such a manner. (As a side note: I always wonder when I read this passage- who sends a gift and then asks for one back? That's so distasteful...)

Tax deductibles for Earth and Heaven

שמות כה:ב

 דַּבֵּר אֶל-בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְיִקְחוּ-לִי תְּרוּמָה:  מֵאֵת כָּל-אִישׁ אֲשֶׁר יִדְּבֶנּוּ לִבּוֹ, תִּקְחוּ אֶת-תְּרוּמָתִי.

Shemot 25:2

Speak unto the children of Israel, that they take for Me an offering; of every man whose heart maketh him willing ye shall take My offering.

A question arises: Why does the Torah say that the Bene Yisrael should take an offering for the construction of the mishkan? Gift-givers are meant to give gifts, not take gifts!

The truth is that the good deeds which we perform in our lifetimes, such as donating to the construction of the mishkan, are the only thing which we ultimately carry on with us in the end of the day. When our lifetime expires, all the physical possessions and money we earned remains here on earth, while our mitzvot contribute to our survival in the next world. Giving tzedaka is not just an act of taking, it is essentially the ONLY act of taking with permanent consequences.

This reality is highlighted by a joke, which the Rav shares when he explains this concept:
There was once a wealthy businessman who was known in the community for supporting public services. He would gladly build churches, mosques, and synagogues in his local town, but he always had one condition: any money that he donated would have to be returned to his coffin on the day he dies so he can be buried with it.
After a long, comfortable life, the wealthy businessman passed away. They held an extravagant funeral for him, and everyone who had accepted donations from him had come to return what they had been given. First came the priest from the local parish. He counted out half a million dollars in cash and laid it in the coffin. Next came the town's Imam. He too counted out half a million dollars in cash and laid it in the coffin. Last came the neighborhood's Rabbi. He wrote out a check for $1.5 mil, his share plus the share of the priest and the Imam, laid it in the coffin, and pocketed  the cash as change.

Talmudic pickup lines

תענית דף לא ע"א

בנות ישראל יוצאות וחולות בכרמים:  תנא מי שאין לו אשה נפנה לשם:  מיוחסות שבהן היו אומרות בחור וכו':  תנו רבנן יפיפיות שבהן מה היו אומרות תנו עיניכם ליופי שאין האשה אלא ליופי מיוחסות שבהן מה היו אומרות תנו עיניכם למשפחה לפי שאין האשה אלא לבנים מכוערות שבהם מה היו אומרות קחו מקחכם לשום שמים ובלבד שתעטרונו בזהובים

Ta'anit 31a  

[On the 15th of Av and Yom haKippurim] the Jewish single girls would all go out to the vineyards. The men who were not yet married would meet them there.
The pretty girls would say, "Focus on our beauty, because beauty is the most distinctive characteristic in a girl!"
The girls who came from good families would say, "Focus on our family, because the most distinctive trait of a girl is the lineage she passes on to her offspring!"

When teaching this gemara, A"A likes to add the following anecdote:

Someone once asked his teacher, "What if a girl was pretty and came from a good family? Which of these categories would she group herself with?"

The teacher answered, "The girls who were pretty and from a good family didn't hang out in the vineyards. Those girls would land dates before it came to that!"

Bothering Rav

שבת קח.

שמואל וקרנא הוו יתבי אגודא דנהר מלכא חזינהו למיא דקא דלו ועכירי א"ל שמואל לקרנא גברא רבה קאתי ממערבא וחייש במעיה וקא דלו מיא לאקבולי אפיה קמיה זיל תהי ליה אקנקניה אזל אשכחיה לרב א"ל מניין שאין כותבין תפילין אלא על גבי עור בהמה טהורה א"ל דכתיב (שמות יג) למען תהיה תורת ה' בפיך מן המותר בפיך מנין לדם שהוא אדום שנאמר (מלכים ב ג) ויראו מואב מנגד את המים אדומים כדם מניין למילה שבאותו מקום נאמר כאן ערלתו ונאמר להלן ערלתו מה להלן דבר שעושה פרי אף כאן דבר שעושה פרי אימא לבו דכתיב (דברים י) ומלתם את ערלת לבבכם אימא אזנו דכתיב (ירמיהו ו) הנה ערלה אזנם דנין ערלתו תמה מערלתו תמה ואין דנין ערלתו תמה מערלת שאינה תמה א"ל מאי שמך קרנא אמר ליה יהא רעוא דתיפוק ליה קרנא בעיניה לסוף עייליה שמואל לביתיה אוכליה נהמא דשערי וכסא דהרסנא ואשקייה שיכרא ולא אחוי ליה בית הכסא כי היכי דלישתלשל לייט רב ואמר מאן דמצערן לא לוקמוה ליה בני וכן הוה

Shabbat 108a

Shemuel and Karna were chilling on the bank of the river Malcha. They saw that the waters were rising and turning brown.
Shemuel said to Karna, "A great man is coming to town, and he has a stomach virus. The waters are rising in his honor. Go figure out what his deal is." So Karna looked into it, and met Rav, who had come to visit the town.
He started asking him questions to figure out what his deal is.
"How do we know that we can only use kosher animals for tefillin?" Karna asked Rav.
"We know it from the pasuk says, 'So that God's name will be present in your mouth.' Things that can go in your mouth are appropriate for writing God's name upon." Rav told him.
"How do we know that blood is red?" (Rashi explains he was asking about Nidda blood, which varies in color and Halacha.)
"The people of Moav saw the  blood and it had turned as red as blood."
"How do we know that berit mila is supposed to be done 'down there' and not somewhere else?"
"It says 'orla' by mila and it says 'orla' by fruit trees. Just like that kind of 'orla' produces fruit, so too, the 'orla' of mila is done in a place that produces offspring."
"Okay, but how do you know to draw a parallel from there? Maybe its talking about the 'orla' of the heart or the 'orla' of the ear? The word 'orla' is used in both of those contexts too!
"We prefer to draw a parallel from trees because the word 'orlato' is used in both contexts, as opposed to 'orlat' which is used in the context of the heart and the ear. Look buddy, what's your name?"
"My name is Karna."
"Karna? May it be His will that a horn (keren) sprouts between your eyes!"
Later, Shemuel invited Rav over for dinner. In an effort to cure him of his stomach virus, he fed him barley bread and fish pie (Soncino press translation), and lots of beer. He didn't let Rav use the bathroom, so the foods can properly cure his stomach virus and he would release it all healthily at the right time.
Rav got really annoyed that he wasn't being allowed to use the bathroom. He cursed and said, "Whoever is paining me like this should never have sons!"
His curse came true, and Shemuel never had any sons.
(As an apologetic measure for this curse, he would always let Shemuel enter the room first from then on. - Bava Kama 80b)

Fiery conversations and disrespectful nicknames

חולין קלז:

אמר ליה מאן ריש סדרא בבבל אמר ליה אבא אריכא אמר ליה אבא אריכא קרית ליה דכירנא כד הוה יתיבנא אחר י"ז שורן אחוריה דרב קמיה דרבי ונפקי זיקוקין דנור מפומיה דרב לפומיה דרבי ומפומיה דרבי לפומיה דרב ולית אנא ידע מה הן אמרין ואת אבא אריכא קרית ליה

Hulin 137b

[Ribbi Yohanan] asked [Issi bar Hini], "Who is in charge of the limmud in Bavel?"

Issi bar Hini (who just got back from there, probably on a vacation) answered, "Abba, that tall guy!"

Ribbi Yohanan scolded him, "'Abba, that tall guy?' Did you seriously just call Rav that?? I remember sitting 17 rows behind him in shiur and watching as sparks of fire jumped from the mouth of Rav to the mouth of Ribbi, and from the mouth of Ribbi to the mouth of Rav, and I couldn't even follow! And you call him 'Abba, that tall guy?!'"


Rav and Ribbi Yohanan, along with Shemuel, were Talmidim of Ribbi Yehuda haNasi. Ribbi Yohanan stayed in Israel, and maintained the yeshiva there. Rav and Shemuel traveled to Bavel. Rav acted as the chief Rabbi, and Shemuel got a job as a physician. Each of them headed a yeshiva, and they would visit each other from time to time. The gemara tells us elsewhere about the time Rav and Shemuel got into a nasty argument over a locked bathroom and a misunderstanding, but we'll leave that for another time.

 

 

 

Surrogate Righteousness

The following is a fascinating teshuva penned by Rabbenu Hai Gaon, regarding fasting on behalf of someone else for a nominal fee. It is quoted by Mahara"m Alashkar in his shu"t (siman 101), and came up in shiur today while discussing Yissachar/Zevulun arrangements and the gemara Berachot 35b. Special thanks to M. A. for locating the teshuva.

 מי שהוא נוהג להתענות שני וחמישי ובסוף אותו הזמן אמר קבול שכר התענית הזה יהיה לפלוני מתנה וכן אם יאמר מכרתי תענית זו השנה בכך וכך לפלוני וקנו קנין על זה היש מזה כלו הנאה לאותו שניתן לו כלום וכן מי שנתן לאדם זהב על מנת שיקרא התורה ותהיה זכות הקריאה לו וכו'

תשובה: כך ראינו כי דברים אלו דברי הבל שאין לסמוך עליהן ואיך יעלה על לב כי שכרו של זה של מעשים טובים שעשה זה לזה והלא הכתוב אומר צדקת הצדיק עליו תהיה וכן אמר ורשעת הרשע עליו תהיה כשם שאין אדם נתפס בעון זולתו כך אין אדם זוכה בזכות זולתו היחשוב כי מתן שכר של מצות דבר שישאהו אדם בחיקו וילך כדי שיתן זה מתן שכרו לזה אלו ידעו מה הואה שכר לא היה זה נותנו לזה ולא זה מקבלו מזה וכן הוא מתן שכר כבוד ויקר שנותנים לו לצדיק על מעשיו הטובים וכתות כתות הם שהן מקבילות פני שכינה ומקלסין לפניהם שבח ואומרים לו לצדיק עלה למדרגתך ועמוד במחיצתך אתה הוא שכבשת יצרך ונשאת משא המצות ולא נטית להנאה מצוייה אלא עזבת את תאותך וסבלת עול יוצרך וסגפת עצמך ביראתך עתה בא וקבל שכרך ותהנה מזיו השכינה כמו שאמרו חכמים מרגלא בפומיה דרב העולם הבא אין בו לא אכילה ולא שתיה ולא פריה ולא רביה ולא משא ולא מתן ולא קנאה ולא תחרות אלא צדיקים יושבים ועטרותיהם בראשיהם והם נהנין מזיו השכינה וכל אחד ואחד מעלתו לפי מעשיו כמו שכתוב ושבתם וראיתם בין צדיק לרשע וגו' ומה תלמוד לומר בין עובד אלהים לאשר לא עבדו אלא כל אחד ואחד לפי עבודתו מתן שכרו וכן אמרו חכמים אמר ליה ברהה"א להלל היינו צדיק היינו עובד אלהים היינו רשע היינו אשר לא עבדו אמר ליה עובד אלקים ואשר לא עבדו תרויהו צדיקי נינהו אלא אינו דומה שונה פרקו מאה פעמים לשונה מאה ואחד אמר ליה ומשום חדא זימנא יתירא קרי בה לא עבדו אמר ליה צא ולמד משוק של חמרים עשרה פרסי בזוזי תריסר פרסי בתרי זוזי. וזה השוטה שמכר תעניתו אכלה כלבא לשירותיה מה שכר יש לו לפני השם ית' וכבר נטל דמים זה לא ליי' ישב בתענית אלא סגף עצמו ונפשו באותן הדמים והוא קרוב לקבל פורענות מלקבל שכר כי עשה שם שמים פלסתר וכקרדום לאכול בה לחם. 

אבל ודאי מי שנותן שכר למלמד ללמד מה שהן צריכין ומלמדין יש לו שכר גדול בכך והמלמד עצמו פעמים יש לו שכר פעמים אין לו שכר וכן מי שמאכיל עני או חכם לברכו יש לו שכר על כך ויש לו הנאה בכך כברכת אותו עני או אותו חכם וכן המסעד מקיימי מצות כדי שיוכלו לקיים יש לו שכר על כך ולהם וביותר מי שעוזר עסוקין בתורה ובמצות להפנות לבותם לעסוק בה יש לו שכר והשכר שיש לו על פעלתו הוא. 

ומי שמשיא עצמו לקנות שכר חבירו בדמים או במתנה לבוז הוא ולעג וכל הון יקר וחמודות אין אדם קונה בו שכר חבירו וכן כתוב אם יתן איש את כל הון ביתו באהבה בוז יבוזו לו ואמרו חכמים מאי בוז יבוזו לו אמר עולא לא כשמעון אחי עזריה ולא כיוחנן דבי נשיאה אלא כהלל ושבנא דכי אתא רב דימי אמר הלל ושבנא אחי הוו מר עבד פרקמטי' ומר עסק בתורה אמר ליה פלוג דאיפלוג יצאת בת קול ואמרה אם יתן איש את כל הון בית ובאהבה בוזו בוזו לו

 

Rabbenu Hai Gaon was asked if one can sell his righteousness, fasts and good deeds for cash. In summary, Rabbenu Hai Gaon is adamant that one cannot sell his righteousness to someone else. It is absurd to think that one can transfer his reward for fasting, praying, and the like. Someone with this perception of reward does not understand what reward is and how it functions. Reward isn't a result of righteousness, it as an extension of it. It cannot be transferred to someone who didn't earn it because it is not a separate entity, which can be bought and sold like merchandise.

This should not be confused, he concludes, with assisting righteous people, such as in a Yissachar/Zevulun arrangement. The financier is not, however, "purchasing" the reward. Rather, by enabling the learning and teaching of Torah, he earns his own reward.

The idea of surrogate righteousness is so silly and absurd that it's almost shocking to think that people took this seriously. Nevertheless, when we analyze the matter on a quantum level, I believe that we can gain insight onto the nature of reward (and punishment) which may have evaded us otherwise.  

Upsetting Ribbi with poorly-phrased messages

ירושלמי כלאים פ"ט ה"ג

[רבי יהודה הנשיא היה אומר] אין סליק רב הונא ריש גלותא להכא אנא מותיב ליה לעיל מיניי דהוא מן יהודה ואנא מבנימין דהוא מן דכריא ואנא מן נוקבתא.  חד זמן אעל רבי חייא רובה לגביה אמר ליה הא רב הונא לבר נתכרכמו פניו של רבי.  אמר ליה ארונו בא.  אמר ליה פוק וחמי מאן בעי לך לבר.  ונפק ולא אשכח בר נש וידע דהוא כעיס עלוי.  עבד דלא עליל לגביה תלתין יומין.... לסוף תלת עשרתי שניא ותלתתוי יומיא עאל אליהו לגביה בדמות רבי חייא רובה.  אמר ליה מה מרי עביד.  אמר ליה חד שיניי מעיקרא לי.  אמר ליה חמי לה לי וחמי לה ליה ויהב אצבעתיה עלה ואינשמת.  למחר עאל רבי חייא רובה לגביה א"ל מה עביד אמר אי לכם חיות שבארץ ישראל אי לכם עוברות שבארץ ישראל.  אמר ליה אנא לא הוינא.  מן ההיא שעתא הוה נהיג ביה ביקר.  כד הוה עליל לבית וועדא הוה אמר יכנס רבי חייא רובה לפנים. 

Yerushalmi Kila'im 9:3 (loosely translated with help from the Pene Moshe)

Ribbi Yehuda HanNasi used to say, "If Rav Huna, the Resh Galuta (in Bavel) would come here (to Eretz Yisrael), I will give him a position above mine, because his lineage is from Yehuda via males, but my lineage is from Binyamin, and only traces back to Yehuda via females.
One time, Ribbi Chiya appeared before Ribbi and said, "Rav Huna came to town!"
Ribbi's face turned white. He had promised to give up his position to Rav Huna if he would ever show up!
"Don't worry," Ribbi Chiya added, "it's his coffin."
Rav Huna had passed away and was being brought to Israel to be buried.
Ribbi got very upset at Ribbi Chiya's poor choice of phrasing the message. "Chiya, I think someone wants to talk to you outside!" he said.
Ribbi Chiya stepped outside, and noticed that nobody was there to see him. He understood that Ribbi just wanted him out of his way because he had upset him.
Ribbi Chiya understood that he was no longer welcome in Ribbi's presence, and stopped coming to the bet midrash.
30 days after his disappearance, Eliyahu hanNavi appeared to Ribbi in the form of Ribbi Chiya. He found Ribbi in pain. "What's the matter?" he asked Ribbi.
"One of my teeth is killing me!" Ribbi answered. (Apparently, he had had this toothache for 13 years. During these 13 years, not a single animal in Israel died and not a single pregnant woman miscarried.)
"Which one?" he asked.
Ribbi showed him the injured tooth. Eliyahu rubbed it with his finger and the pain went away.
The next day, Ribbi Chiya visited Ribbi, hoping he would no longer be upset at him.
"What did you do?!" exclaimed Ribbi, "what will be of the animals and of the pregnant women?!"
"Huh? What are you talking about? I didn't do anything to you yesterday!" responded Ribbi Chiya.
Ribbi put together what had happened. He was impressed by the fact that Eliyahu hanNavi took Ribbi Chiya's form to defend his honor, and from that day on, he treated Ribbi Chiya with utmost respect. When they would enter a building together, he would insist that Ribbi Chiya lead the way.

Although there are so many lessons to learn from this incident, perhaps the most powerful one is that we must always remember to phrase things properly. If Rav Huna is dead, say so! Don't make the recipient of your message fall under the impression that he is about to lose his position as Nasi! 

Medicine, Prayer, and Hell

קידושין פב.

 טוב שברופאים לגיהנם

Kiddushin 82a

The best of physicians go to hell.

 This surprising line from the mishnah has already been heavily discussed. Conveniently enough, the most popular Jewish doctor and Talmudist, haRambam, does not have this line as part of his text of the Mishnah at the end of Masechet Kiddushin.

Several authors have taken this line pretty literally. The Kaf haChaim (Phalachi) in Siman 21 argues that medicine is one of two fields that an observant Jew may not enter (the other being a strip-club musician). However, most writers have found ways to reinterpret it. A"A shared one with me a few days ago, which I wanted to share:

The numerical value of "tov" is 17. The Mishnah is alluding to those doctors who only pray 17 berachot in their amida instead of the prescribed 18 berachot. (This assertion must have been made before the 19th beracha was added.) Those doctors who cut out the beracha of "Refa'enu Hashem veNeraphe" because they're afraid to lose their clientele will wind up in the depths of hell.