Real Jews are brown(ish)

נגעים פרק ב משנה א

רבי ישמעאל אומר, בית ישראל, אני כפרתן--הרי הן כאשכרוע:  לא שחורים ולא לבנים, אלא בינוניים.

Negaim 2:1

Ribbi Yishmael says: The Children of Israel – may I be their atonement (a term of endearment which is still used in Modern Hebrew and is stereotypical to old Sepharadic grandmothers) – they are like boxwood, neither black [like an East African] nor white [like a German], but intermediate.

The nations of the world often struggle to answer the question: Are Jews white? Ribbi Yishmael answered that question for us a long time ago- no. Real Jews are brown(ish).

(Photo source: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/570690584014789139)

Gross Anatomy

בכורות דף מה ע"א

מעשה בתלמידיו של ר' ישמעאל ששלקו זונה אחת שנתחייבה שריפה למלך בדקו ומצאו בה מאתים וחמשים ושנים אמר להם שמא באשה בדקתם שהוסיף לה הכתוב שני צירים ושני דלתות

Bechorot 45a 

There was once a prostitute who was sentenced to death by the king. Her cadaver was given over to the students of Ribbi Yishmael to corrode and perform osteological studies. After studying her bones, they concluded that there were 252 bones, and not 248 like the Mishnah in Massechet Ohalot (1:9) claims! When they reported this discrepancy to their teacher, he asked them, "Was it a woman which you dissected? A woman's pelvis does not ossify in the same manner that a man's does!"

It is worth noting that according to today's anatomists, the adult human only has 206 bones. A"A addresses this by quoting the Encylopedia HaIvrit, which explains that the Talmudic account of 248 was not meant to be an account of complete bones but rather of ossification centers. 

I would like to add a suggestion. Perhaps the difference lies in the definition of adulthood: anatomical adulthood is defined by the completion of ossification (which occurs at around 20 years of age) while Halachic adulthood is defined as 12 or 13 years of age (for females and males respectively) or the onset of pubic hair growth (if it occurs after that age). Anatomists would agree that at 13 years of age, there are somewhere between 270 and 206 bones in the body.

Emotional Honesty

יומא דף סט ע"ב  

אמר רבי יהושע בן לוי: למה נקרא שמן אנשי כנסת הגדולה? שהחזירו עטרה ליושנה.
אתא משה אמר (דברים י) "האל הגדול הגבור והנורא" אתא ירמיה ואמר "נכרים מקרקרין בהיכלו איה נוראותיו?" לא אמר נורא.
אתא דניאל אמר "נכרים משתעבדים בבניו איה גבורותיו?" לא אמר גבור.
אתו אינהו ואמרו "אדרבה- זו היא גבורת גבורתו שכובש את יצרו שנותן ארך אפים לרשעים ואלו הן נוראותיו שאלמלא מוראו של הקב"ה היאך אומה אחת יכולה להתקיים בין האומות"

Yoma 69b 

Ribbi Yehoshua b. Levi said: Why were they called 'Men of the Great Assembly'? What was so great about them? It was because they reinstated God's glory. Moshe Rabbenu originally referred to Hashem as "HaEl HaGadol Hagibbor vehaNora- The Lord, the Great, the Mighty and the Awesome" (Devarim 10:17).
Yirmiyahu came around a few hundred years later and asked, "The enemy is frolicking around the holiest site of the Temple- where is Hashem's awesomeness?" In his description of Hashem, Yirmiyahu cut out the word "Nora" (Yirmiyahu 32:18).
Daniel came around a few years after that and asked, "The enemy is enslaving His children- where is Hashem's might?" In his description of Hashem, he cut out the word "Gibbor" (Daniel 9:4).
Came the Men of the Great Assembly and explained: Hashem's might is demonstrated by the fact that he restrains himself from intervening before the time is right. Hashem's awesomeness is demonstrated by the fact that he keeps his nation in existence even when scattered around the world. They reinstated the full phrase into our prayers- HaEl Hagadol Hagibbor vehaNora. 

The approach of Yirmiyahu and Daniel seems provocative at first- did they really deny that Hashem was Awesome or that he was Mighty? A"A explains as follows: Yirmiyahu and Daniel never doubted Hashem's traits for a minute. However, although they recognized them on an intellectual level, they were unable to feel them on an emotional level. They saw tragedy all around them, and they had trouble reconciling their experiences with what they knew to be true. And, although they knew it to be true on an intellectual level, they could not incorporate these phrases into their prayers because they could not relate to it on an emotional level. 

May we always experience intellectual and emotional honesty in our prayers and in every other way which we choose to relate to Hashem. 

Who will build the Third Bet HaMikdash?

How the Third Temple will be constructed is an interesting topic of discussion, and hopefully one that will be relevant in the coming days. There are two main approaches, that of the Rambam, and that of Rash"i and Tosafot. 

The Rambam clearly believed that the responsibility of building the Third Temple lies among us, the Jewish people. He writes:

רמב"ם פ"א מהל' בית הבחירה הלכה א 

מִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה לַעֲשׂוֹת בַּיִת לַה', מוּכָן לִהְיוֹת מַקְרִיבִים בּוֹ הַקָּרְבָּנוֹת, וְחוֹגְגִין אֵלָיו שָׁלוֹשׁ פְּעָמִים בַּשָּׁנָה--שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר "וְעָשׂוּ לִי, מִקְדָּשׁ" (שמות כה,ח); וּכְבָר נִתְפָּרַשׁ בַּתּוֹרָה מִשְׁכָּן שֶׁעָשָׂה מֹשֶׁה רַבֵּנוּ, וְהָיָה לְפִי שָׁעָה--שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר "כִּי לֹא-בָאתֶם, עַד-עָתָּה . . ." (דברים יב,ט). 

Rambam Laws of the Temple 1:1 

It is a positive commandment to build a house for God, where sacrifices will be brought and holidays will be celebrated three times a year....

Likewise, the Rambam writes elsewhere:

הלכות מלכים ומלחמות פ' י"א הל' א 

 הַמֶּלֶךְ הַמָּשִׁיחַ עֲתִיד לַעֲמֹד, וּלְהַחְזִיר מַלְכוּת בֵּית דָּוִיד לְיָשְׁנָהּ הַמֶּמְשָׁלָה הָרִאשׁוֹנָה, וּבוֹנֵה מִקְדָּשׁ, וּמְקַבֵּץ נִדְחֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל. 

 Laws of Kings and of War 11:1  

The Melech HaMashiach will rise up, reinstate the Davidic dynasty and its original government, build the temple, and gather the people of Israel to their home.

There is, however, a second school of thought that believed that the third Temple will descend fully constructed out of the heavens. The responsibility to construct the next Bet HaMikdash lies not upon us but upon Hashem Himself. This is the opinion of Rash"i and the Tosafot (Succah 41a). This opinion is based of a collection of Midrashe Aggada, such as the following:

פסיקתא רבתי סי' כח 

אין נוטה עוד אהלי [ומקים יריעותי] (ירמיה י י), מהו, וכי אין בית המקדש עתיד ליבנות, אלא אין נוטה עוד אהלי מכם ואין מקים יריעותי מכם, אלא מקדש ראשון שבנאו בשר ודם נפל ביד שונא אבל מקדש אחרון שהקדוש ברוך הוא בונה אותו שנאמר בונה ירושלים ה' נדחי ישראל יכנס (תהלים קמ"ז ב') שוב לא יחרב לכך נאמר אהלי שודד וגו'. 

According to this opinion, the Bet Hamikdash will descend from the heaven constructed and assembled when the time is right. 

When asked to decide between the two opinions, A"A quotes the following opinion of Rav Yaakov Ettlinger (1798-1871):

ערוך לנר למסכת סוכה דף מא ע"א 

ולכן הי' נלענ"ד דודאי ביהמ"ק לעתיד לבא יבנה בנין ממש בידי אדם ומה שנאמר מקדש ד' כוננו ידיך שנדרש בתנחומא שירד למטה הוא ביהמ"ק רוחני שיבא לתוך ביהמ"ק הנבנה גשמי כנשמה בתוך הגוף וכמו שירד במשכן ובבית המקדש האש של מעלה תוך האש של הדיוט שנבער בעצים וכן נראה במכילתא דדרש מפסוק מכון לשבתך פעלת ד' שבית המקדש של מעלה מכוון כנגד בית המקדש של מטה ועל זה קאמר מקדש ד' כוננו ידיך שלעתיד לבא כשימלוך ד' לעולם ועד לעיני כל באי עולם ישכון למטה בתוך מקדש שכבר בנוי הוא ומכוון כנגד ביהמ"ק של מטה והיינו שירד למטה תוך המקדש שיבנה ועיין בזוהר פ' וישב שמשמע שם כן אמנם כמו שלמטה בארץ אין נשמה בלא גוף כמו כן המקדש רוחני לא יקום בלא מקדש גשמי ולכן א"ש הלשון בנין בביהמ"ק שלעתיד ג"כ 

Arukh Laner (Succah 41a)  

In my opinion, the physical building of third temple will definitely be constructed by mankind. The Midrashim that say that the Temple will be prepared by God and descend from heaven are referring to a spiritual Bet HaMikdash which will descend and occupy the physical Bet HaMikdash the way a soul occupies a physical body. This is akin to how a heavenly fire used to descend during times of the Mishkan and previous Bet HaMikdash into the flames that were kindled [by the Kohanim] on the Mizbeach......

In summary, this opinion combines the two- while the physical third Bet HaMikdash will be constructed by mankind, the spiritual aspect of it will descend from Heaven. We cannot wait around forever until a Temple falls out of the sky for us. We must do our part when the time comes, build the walls and the roof, and hope that Hashem accepts our construction and fills our building the spiritual aspect that it requires to function properly. 

(For those who remain unsatisfied, here's an excellent article with more details and sources that address this question.)

Polycephalic babies

מנחות דף לז ע"א

בעא מיניה פלימו מרבי מי שיש לו שני ראשים באיזה מהן מניח תפילין א"ל או קום גלי או קבל עלך שמתא אדהכי אתא ההוא גברא א"ל איתיליד לי ינוקא דאית ליה תרי רישי כמה בעינן למיתב לכהן

Menachot 37a

A student named Palimo was once bored in shiur, and randomly asked Ribbi, "If someone has two heads, on which one does he wear tefillin?" 

"Either shut up and listen or get out of my class!" Ribbi answered.

Moments later, a man entered the Bet Midrash. 

"I just had a son, and he has two heads! How much pidyon do I have to give the Cohen, five coins or ten?"

(Two headed embryos are more common in reptiles but have also been observed in humans and are likely caused by an over-expression of the Goosecoid gene.)

Silk gloves and savory goat

פסחים דף נז ע"א

תנו רבנן: ארבע צווחות צוחה עזרה ... ועוד צווחה צא מיכן יששכר איש כפר ברקאי שמכבד את עצמו ומחלל קדשי שמים דהוה כריך ידיה בשיראי ועביד עבודה ... ועוד צווחה העזרה שאו שערים ראשיכם ויכנס יוחנן בן נרבאי תלמידו של פנקאי וימלא כריסו מקדשי שמים אמרו עליו על יוחנן בן נרבאי שהיה אוכל ג' מאות עגלים ושותה ג' מאות גרבי יין ואוכל ארבעים סאה גוזלות בקינוח סעודה אמרו כל ימיו של יוחנן בן נרבאי לא נמצא נותר במקדש...

מאי סלקא ביה ביששכר איש כפר ברקאי אמרי מלכא ומלכתא הוו יתבי מלכא אמר גדיא יאי ומלכתא אמרה אימרא יאי אמרו מאן מוכח כהן גדול דקא מסיק קרבנות כל יומא אתא איהו אחוי בידיה אי גדיא יאי יסק לתמידא אמר מלכא הואיל ולא הוי ליה אימתא דמלכותא ניפסקו לימיניה יהב שוחד ופסקיה לשמאליה שמע מלכא ופסקיה לימיניה 

 

Pesachim 57a-b

Our Rabbis taught: The Bet Hamikdash would cry out about four incidents.... The second cry was over Yissachar the Cohen who used to honor himself and degrade the korbanot by refusing to touch them without his silk gloves on first [so as not to dirty himself], and "that incident" happened to him because of it... The fourth cry was over Yohanan b. Narbai who would eat 300 calves and drink 300 gallons of wine, and finish it off with 40 barrels of doves for dessert. They say that in all his days, there were never any leftovers in the Bet Hamikdash....

What was "that incident" that happened to Yissachar the Cohen? Once, the king and queen got into an argument.
"Goat meat is the best meat!" the king posited.
"What are you insane?" the queen responded, "Sheep is much tastier!"
They called Yissachar the Cohen to settle their debate, considering the fact that his job involved eating sheep and goat meat all day.
"Which meat is better?" they asked him.
Yissachar waved his hand dismissively at the king and said, "If goat meat was really better like you claim, God would have chosen it for the Korban Tamid instead of sheep."
The king got offended by his hand wave, which he understood to be a gesture of disrespect. "Off with his hand!!" he shouted.
They carted Yissachar off to the dungeon to receive his punishment. Yissachar bribed the warden so he would cut off his left hand instead of his right. The king found out, and had them cut off Yissachar's right hand too,

Thus, Yissachar the Cohen was justly punished for refusing to "dirty" his hands with the korbanot. Aharon, on the other hand, was eager to clean out the filthy, sooty residue from the menora each day. Likewise, David HamMelech would gladly handle all sorts of bodily fluids to determine if a woman was tehora or not (Berachot 4a). When it comes to Torah, we must embrace it in its entirety without allowing aspects of it to disgust us or gross us out.

Handsome soldiers and crucified prisoners

תוספות קידושין דף פ ע"ב ד"ה כי ההוא מעשה

מעשה באשה אחת שהיתה בוכה ומתאוננת על קבר בעלה והיה שם אדם אחד שהיה שומר תלוי אחד וצוה לו המלך לשומרו ובא אצל האשה ופיתה אותה ושמעה לו וכשחזר אצל התלוי לא מצאו והיה מצטער מאד מפחד המלך אמרה לו האשה "אל תירא קח בעלי מקברו ותלהו במקומו" ואפיקתיה לבעלה ותלהו. הרי לך שאפילו בשעת אנינות נתגבר יצרה עליה

Tosafot Kiddushin 80b 

Once upon a time, there was a woman crying over the fresh grave of her recently deceased husband. Nearby, a Roman soldier was on guard-duty watching a crucified prisoner. The two exchanged nervous glances, began flirting, and ended up running off to spend the night together.
After returning to his post, the soldier found that his crucified prisoner had gone missing.
"Oh no!" he declared. "The captain will have my head for this!"
"Don't worry," his new acquaintance comforted him, "Just dig up my husband and put his body up on the cross instead. Nobody will know the difference!"

I don't think A"A has ever showed us a more disturbing story in the Talmud than this one. I feel shivers down my spine every time he tells it over. Between the grieving wife running off with a Roman soldier, the missing crucified prisoner, and the exhumed husband, it is difficult to pinpoint which part of this story is truly most horrifying. 

Selective Babylonians and their dating habits

קידושין דף עא ע"ב

זעירי הוה קא מישתמיט מיניה דר' יוחנן דהוה אמר ליה נסיב ברתי יומא חד הוו קאזלי באורחא מטו לעורקמא דמיא ארכביה לר' יוחנן אכתפיה וקא מעבר ליה א"ל אורייתן כשרה בנתין לא כשרן מאי דעתיך אילימא מדתנן עשרה יוחסין עלו מבבל כהני לויי אטו כהני לויי וישראלי כולהו סליקו כי היכי דאישתיור מהני אישתיור נמי מהני אישתמיטתיה הא דאמר ר"א לא עלה עזרא מבבל עד שעשאה כסולת נקייה ועלה 

Kiddushin 71b

Zeiri would constantly avoid Ribbi Yohanan's pleas to marry his daughter.  One day they were on the road together and came to a river that was blocking their route. 

"Hop on my shoulders and I'll carry you across!" Zeiri said to Ribbi Yohanan (who was apparently a weak swimmer). 

"Why all the respect?" Ribbi Yohanan asked him. "My Torah is good enough for you but my daughter isn't? Do you think that your yichus is better than mine just because you're from Bavel and I'm from Eretz Yisrael?"

Ribbi Yohanan forgot about Ribbi Eliezer's statement: "Ezra didn't leave Bavel until he sifted it thoroughly and removed all the pesulim and took them with him to Eretz Yisrael." 

We see from this Gemara how careful they were back in the day about yichus. A"A pointed out that Ribbi Yohanan was extremely good looking according to the Gemara (Berachot 20a) and its reasonable to assume that his daughters were probably hot too. But Zeiri was still careful not to marry into his family because they weren't Babylonian. 

Breaking the Language Barrier

נדרים דף סו ע"ב

ההוא בר בבל דסליק לארעא דישראל נסיב איתתא אמר לה בשילי לי תרי טלפי בשילה ליה תרי טלפי רתח עלה למחר אמר לה בשילי לי גריוא בשילה ליה גריוא אמר לה זילי אייתי לי תרי בוציני אזלת ואייתי ליה תרי שרגי אמר לה זילי תברי יתהון על רישא דבבא הוה יתיב בבא בן בוטא אבבא וקא דאין דינא אזלת ותברת יתהון על רישיה אמר לה מה הדין דעבדת אמרה ליה כך ציוני בעלי אמר את עשית רצון בעליך המקום יוציא ממך שני בנים כבבא בן בוטא

Nedarim 66b

There was once a man who moved from Bavel to Israel. He married an Israeli girl, but he and his wife spoke different dialects of Aramit.
One day, he came home from work pretty hungry. "Honey," he told his wife, "Can you cook me a couple of lentils?"
"Sure," she said, and cooked him two lentils.
The next day, he came home from work hungry and annoyed at his incompetent wife. "This time, cook a ton!" So she cooked a barrel full of lentils for him.
"Go get two melons from the supermarket!" he told his wife, giving up on her ability to cook.
"Sure, honey!" she said, and came back with two candles.
When she came back from the supermarket with candles, he lost his temper. "GO SMASH THOSE CANDLES ON THE HEAD OF THE DOORPOST (bava)!" he shouted at her.
Teary eyed and heartbroken, but determined to please her husband and fulfill his request, she went and smashed the candles on the local Rabbi, Bava b. Buta's head.
"Why??!" R Bava b. Buta asked her, bewildered.
"I'm sorry, k'vod harav, but my husband told me to! I just wanted him to be happy!" she explained through tears.
"In that case," the Rav told her, "May you merit to two sons as great as Bava b. Buta!"