Go big or go home: Bet Shammai

Anyone who has spent some time in a bet midrash, especially an Ashkenazi one, can attest that sometimes Torah debates can get intense. But I'm willing to bet that you've never seen anyone top Bet Shammai and Bet Hillel, as described in the following Yerushalmi:

ירושלמי שבת א:ד

ואלו הן ההלכות שאמרו בעליית חנניה בן חזקיה בן גרון שעלו לבקרו ונמנו ורבו ב"ש על ב"ה ושמנה עשר דברים גזרו בו ביום... תנא ר' יהושע אונייא תלמידי ב"ש עמדו להן מלמטה והיו הורגין בתלמידי ב"ה.  תני ששה מהן עלו והשאר עמדו עליהן בחרבות וברמחים.

Yerushalmi Shabbat 1:4
These are the halachot which were said in the attic of Hananya b. Hesqia b. Garon when they went to visit him and found that those affiliated with Bet Shammai were more numerous than those affiliated with Bet Hillel. Eighteen laws were enacted on that day... 

R' Yehoshua Onaya taught- the students of Bet Shammai guarded the attic from the bottom, and were killing the students of Bet Hillel to prevent them from entering the attic. It was taught- six of the students of Bet Shammai went up to the attic and the rest of them stood guard with swords and spears.

For obvious reasons, some of the mefarshei hayerushalmi say that this passage is figurative and that nobody actually killed anyone that day. The peshat says otherwise. Even if it did not happen literally, the Talmud phrases it in this manner for a reason. These people took their enactments very seriously. Today we hear of all sorts of insane violence that arises within certain camps in certain circles. Yet we would probably be reluctant to call these tana'im insane. Some of the enactments from that fateful day are still practiced now, such as refraining from eating the bread and cheese of non-Jews. I know I would be reluctant to call them insane, at least while they've got those swords and spears at hand. 

Priceless jewels and worthless scrolls

ירושלמי פאה פרק א הל' א

ארטבון שלח לר' הקדוש חד מרגלי טבא אטימיטון א"ל שלח לי מילה דטבא דכוותה שלח ליה חד מזוזה א"ל מה אנא שלחי לך מילה דלית לה טימי ואת שלחת לי מילה דטבא חד פולר א"ל חפציך וחפצי לא ישווה בה ולא עוד אלא דאת שלחית לי מילה דאנא מנטיר לה ואנא שלחי' לך מילה דאת דמך לך והיא מנטרא לך דכתיב (משלי ו) בהתהלכך תנחה אותך וגו'.

Yerushalmi Pe'ah 1:1 (loosely translated)

Artivon (Pene Moshe thinks he was Jewish, although A"A says that others disagree) once sent Ribbi a priceless jewel as a gift. He asked for a gift of equal value in return, so Ribbi sent him a mezuza.
"Seriously, Ribbi?!" Artivon sent back. "I sent you a priceless jewel and you sent back a rolled-up piece of paper, worth a few cents?!"
Ribbi replied: "First of all, my net worth is a small fraction of yours. Second of all, you sent me something that I have to look after. But I sent you something that looks after you while you sleep easy at night, like the pasuk in Mishle (6:22) says, 'When you walk I will lead you, when you sleep I will watch over you...'"

A"A emphasizes that we are not meant to practice mitzvot in order for them to protect us. Nevertheless, as made clear from this passage in the Talmud, mitzvot can function in such a manner. (As a side note: I always wonder when I read this passage- who sends a gift and then asks for one back? That's so distasteful...)

Tax deductibles for Earth and Heaven

שמות כה:ב

 דַּבֵּר אֶל-בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְיִקְחוּ-לִי תְּרוּמָה:  מֵאֵת כָּל-אִישׁ אֲשֶׁר יִדְּבֶנּוּ לִבּוֹ, תִּקְחוּ אֶת-תְּרוּמָתִי.

Shemot 25:2

Speak unto the children of Israel, that they take for Me an offering; of every man whose heart maketh him willing ye shall take My offering.

A question arises: Why does the Torah say that the Bene Yisrael should take an offering for the construction of the mishkan? Gift-givers are meant to give gifts, not take gifts!

The truth is that the good deeds which we perform in our lifetimes, such as donating to the construction of the mishkan, are the only thing which we ultimately carry on with us in the end of the day. When our lifetime expires, all the physical possessions and money we earned remains here on earth, while our mitzvot contribute to our survival in the next world. Giving tzedaka is not just an act of taking, it is essentially the ONLY act of taking with permanent consequences.

This reality is highlighted by a joke, which the Rav shares when he explains this concept:
There was once a wealthy businessman who was known in the community for supporting public services. He would gladly build churches, mosques, and synagogues in his local town, but he always had one condition: any money that he donated would have to be returned to his coffin on the day he dies so he can be buried with it.
After a long, comfortable life, the wealthy businessman passed away. They held an extravagant funeral for him, and everyone who had accepted donations from him had come to return what they had been given. First came the priest from the local parish. He counted out half a million dollars in cash and laid it in the coffin. Next came the town's Imam. He too counted out half a million dollars in cash and laid it in the coffin. Last came the neighborhood's Rabbi. He wrote out a check for $1.5 mil, his share plus the share of the priest and the Imam, laid it in the coffin, and pocketed  the cash as change.

Talmudic pickup lines

תענית דף לא ע"א

בנות ישראל יוצאות וחולות בכרמים:  תנא מי שאין לו אשה נפנה לשם:  מיוחסות שבהן היו אומרות בחור וכו':  תנו רבנן יפיפיות שבהן מה היו אומרות תנו עיניכם ליופי שאין האשה אלא ליופי מיוחסות שבהן מה היו אומרות תנו עיניכם למשפחה לפי שאין האשה אלא לבנים מכוערות שבהם מה היו אומרות קחו מקחכם לשום שמים ובלבד שתעטרונו בזהובים

Ta'anit 31a  

[On the 15th of Av and Yom haKippurim] the Jewish single girls would all go out to the vineyards. The men who were not yet married would meet them there.
The pretty girls would say, "Focus on our beauty, because beauty is the most distinctive characteristic in a girl!"
The girls who came from good families would say, "Focus on our family, because the most distinctive trait of a girl is the lineage she passes on to her offspring!"

When teaching this gemara, A"A likes to add the following anecdote:

Someone once asked his teacher, "What if a girl was pretty and came from a good family? Which of these categories would she group herself with?"

The teacher answered, "The girls who were pretty and from a good family didn't hang out in the vineyards. Those girls would land dates before it came to that!"

Bothering Rav

שבת קח.

שמואל וקרנא הוו יתבי אגודא דנהר מלכא חזינהו למיא דקא דלו ועכירי א"ל שמואל לקרנא גברא רבה קאתי ממערבא וחייש במעיה וקא דלו מיא לאקבולי אפיה קמיה זיל תהי ליה אקנקניה אזל אשכחיה לרב א"ל מניין שאין כותבין תפילין אלא על גבי עור בהמה טהורה א"ל דכתיב (שמות יג) למען תהיה תורת ה' בפיך מן המותר בפיך מנין לדם שהוא אדום שנאמר (מלכים ב ג) ויראו מואב מנגד את המים אדומים כדם מניין למילה שבאותו מקום נאמר כאן ערלתו ונאמר להלן ערלתו מה להלן דבר שעושה פרי אף כאן דבר שעושה פרי אימא לבו דכתיב (דברים י) ומלתם את ערלת לבבכם אימא אזנו דכתיב (ירמיהו ו) הנה ערלה אזנם דנין ערלתו תמה מערלתו תמה ואין דנין ערלתו תמה מערלת שאינה תמה א"ל מאי שמך קרנא אמר ליה יהא רעוא דתיפוק ליה קרנא בעיניה לסוף עייליה שמואל לביתיה אוכליה נהמא דשערי וכסא דהרסנא ואשקייה שיכרא ולא אחוי ליה בית הכסא כי היכי דלישתלשל לייט רב ואמר מאן דמצערן לא לוקמוה ליה בני וכן הוה

Shabbat 108a

Shemuel and Karna were chilling on the bank of the river Malcha. They saw that the waters were rising and turning brown.
Shemuel said to Karna, "A great man is coming to town, and he has a stomach virus. The waters are rising in his honor. Go figure out what his deal is." So Karna looked into it, and met Rav, who had come to visit the town.
He started asking him questions to figure out what his deal is.
"How do we know that we can only use kosher animals for tefillin?" Karna asked Rav.
"We know it from the pasuk says, 'So that God's name will be present in your mouth.' Things that can go in your mouth are appropriate for writing God's name upon." Rav told him.
"How do we know that blood is red?" (Rashi explains he was asking about Nidda blood, which varies in color and Halacha.)
"The people of Moav saw the  blood and it had turned as red as blood."
"How do we know that berit mila is supposed to be done 'down there' and not somewhere else?"
"It says 'orla' by mila and it says 'orla' by fruit trees. Just like that kind of 'orla' produces fruit, so too, the 'orla' of mila is done in a place that produces offspring."
"Okay, but how do you know to draw a parallel from there? Maybe its talking about the 'orla' of the heart or the 'orla' of the ear? The word 'orla' is used in both of those contexts too!
"We prefer to draw a parallel from trees because the word 'orlato' is used in both contexts, as opposed to 'orlat' which is used in the context of the heart and the ear. Look buddy, what's your name?"
"My name is Karna."
"Karna? May it be His will that a horn (keren) sprouts between your eyes!"
Later, Shemuel invited Rav over for dinner. In an effort to cure him of his stomach virus, he fed him barley bread and fish pie (Soncino press translation), and lots of beer. He didn't let Rav use the bathroom, so the foods can properly cure his stomach virus and he would release it all healthily at the right time.
Rav got really annoyed that he wasn't being allowed to use the bathroom. He cursed and said, "Whoever is paining me like this should never have sons!"
His curse came true, and Shemuel never had any sons.
(As an apologetic measure for this curse, he would always let Shemuel enter the room first from then on. - Bava Kama 80b)

Fiery conversations and disrespectful nicknames

חולין קלז:

אמר ליה מאן ריש סדרא בבבל אמר ליה אבא אריכא אמר ליה אבא אריכא קרית ליה דכירנא כד הוה יתיבנא אחר י"ז שורן אחוריה דרב קמיה דרבי ונפקי זיקוקין דנור מפומיה דרב לפומיה דרבי ומפומיה דרבי לפומיה דרב ולית אנא ידע מה הן אמרין ואת אבא אריכא קרית ליה

Hulin 137b

[Ribbi Yohanan] asked [Issi bar Hini], "Who is in charge of the limmud in Bavel?"

Issi bar Hini (who just got back from there, probably on a vacation) answered, "Abba, that tall guy!"

Ribbi Yohanan scolded him, "'Abba, that tall guy?' Did you seriously just call Rav that?? I remember sitting 17 rows behind him in shiur and watching as sparks of fire jumped from the mouth of Rav to the mouth of Ribbi, and from the mouth of Ribbi to the mouth of Rav, and I couldn't even follow! And you call him 'Abba, that tall guy?!'"


Rav and Ribbi Yohanan, along with Shemuel, were Talmidim of Ribbi Yehuda haNasi. Ribbi Yohanan stayed in Israel, and maintained the yeshiva there. Rav and Shemuel traveled to Bavel. Rav acted as the chief Rabbi, and Shemuel got a job as a physician. Each of them headed a yeshiva, and they would visit each other from time to time. The gemara tells us elsewhere about the time Rav and Shemuel got into a nasty argument over a locked bathroom and a misunderstanding, but we'll leave that for another time.