Goats and Gangsters

בבא קמא פ. 

ת"ר מעשה בחסיד אחד שהיה גונח מלבו ושאלו לרופאים ואמרו אין לו תקנה עד שינק חלב רותח משחרית לשחרית והביאו לו עז וקשרו לו בכרעי המטה והיה יונק ממנה משחרית לשחרית לימים נכנסו חביריו לבקרו כיון שראו אותה העז קשורה בכרעי המטה חזרו לאחוריהם ואמרו לסטים מזויין בביתו של זה ואנו נכנסין אצלו?!

Bava Kama 80a:

It was taught: there once was a pious person who had a heart condition. He sought instruction from the physicians and was told that the only remedy was to drink fresh milk each morning. They brought him a goat and tied it to his nightstand and he would drink from its milk each morning. A few days later, his peers came to visit him. When they saw the goat tied to his nightstand, they backed out slowly and said, "this house is full of gangsters and we're expected to come in?"

Abusing the gift of forgetfulness

דברים לב:יח 

צוּר יְלָדְךָ, תֶּשִׁי;  וַתִּשְׁכַּח, אֵל מְחֹלְלֶךָ

 Devarim 32:18 

God has granted you the ability to forget, but you have forgotten God himself

Forgetfulness is a gift. Were we to remember every detail of our lives, we would be unable to function efficiently. We would be constantly torn by sorrow and grief, eaten away by guilt, and weighed down with responsibility. In Parashat Ha'azinu, however, Moshe Rabbenu complains that we abused this gift and forgot our Creator who provided it to us in the first place.

The Maggid Midovno illustrates this with the following mashal, which my father likes to share from time to time:

In a time before credit scores and collection agencies, there lived a man who was deep in debt. Unable to pay back his loans, he turned to a friend for help.
"Just feign insanity and they'll leave you alone," his friend advised. "When they come to collect their money, start singing as loud as you can. Your debtors will think you've lost your mind and they'll leave you alone."
That night, an angry mob banged on his door.
"Where's our money?!" They shouted at him.
Bearing in mind what his friend told him earlier, he broke out in song: "LALALALALALALA!"
His debtors concluded that the stress must have addled his brain and abandoned hope of getting their money back.
Later that year, short on cash once more, this man turned to his friend, who had advised him earlier, for some money. He promised profusely that he will repay the loan in a timely fashion. The friend reluctantly handed over $100.
A week passed, and then another. There was no sign of the debtor or the $100 that he owed. Upset, the friend knocked on his door a few days later, hoping to get his money back.
As soon as the man saw his friend by the door, he broke out into song: "LALALALALALALA!"
"Idiot!" his (former) friend shouted. "I taught you that trick! You can't use it against me!"

Hashem graced us with the gift of forgetfulness, but sometimes, as the pasuk attests, we use it against Him and forget Him and His grace. 

Talmudic Mention of Radio Waves?

.יומא דף כ: - כא

ת"ר שלש קולות הולכין מסוף העולם ועד סופו ואלו הן קול גלגל חמה וקול המונה של רומי וקול נשמה בשעה שיוצאה מן הגוף וי"א אף לידה ויש אומרים אף רידייא ובעו רבנן רחמי אנשמה בשעה שיוצאה מן הגוף ובטלוה

 Yoma 20b- 21a (Soncino Press Translation)

Our Rabbis taught: There are three sounds going from one end of the world to the other: The sound of the revolution of the sun; the sound of the tumult of Rome, and the sound of the soul as it leaves the body. Some say also the sound of childbirth and some say also the sound of Ridya [radio??]. The Sages prayed for the soul as it leaves the body and achieved the stopping [of that cry].

Avi uMori sometimes quotes this berayta as a suggestion that perhaps the Talmud predicted radio waves 1,700 years before they were formally discovered. He often quotes Bechorot 57b along with it, which may be a prediction of atomic missiles.

Ribbi Yishmael: Finding Beauty in Congruence

Nedarim 66b:

ההוא דאמר לה לדביתהו "קונם שאי את נהנית לי עד שתראי מום יפה שביך לר' ישמעאל בר' יוסי"

אמר להם: "שמא ראשה נאה?"

אמרו לו: "סגלגל"

"שמא שערה נאה?"

"דומה לאניצי פשתן"

"שמא עיניה נאות?"

" טרוטות הן"

"שמא אזניה נאות?"

"כפולות הן"

"שמא חוטמה נאה?"

"בלום הוא"

"שמא שפתותיה נאות?"

"עבות הן"

"שמא צוארה נאה?"

"שקוט הוא"

"שמא כריסה נאה?"

"צבה הוא"

"שמא רגליה נאות?"

"רחבות כשל אווזא"

"שמא שמה נאה?"

"לכלוכית שמה"

אמר להן: "יפה קורין אותה לכלוכית שהיא מלוכלכת במומין" ושרייה

Translation (paraphrased with help from Artscroll):
There was a guy who said to his wife, "I want us to separate until R' Yishmael finds something attractive about you!"
R' Yishmael suggested: "Maybe her head is nice?"
He was told: "Her head is as round as a ball."
"Maybe she has nice hair?"
"It's as disheveled as flax."
"Maybe her eyes are nice?"
"They're too wide."
"Maybe her ears are nice?"
"They're twice as big as they should be."
"Maybe her nose is nice?"
"It's all smashed up."
"Maybe her lips are nice?
"They're thick and swollen."
"Maybe she has a nice neck?"
"It's too short."
"Maybe she has a good figure?"
"She's a fatty."
"Maybe her feet are nice?"
"She has duck-feet."
"Does she at least have a pretty name?"
"Her name is 'Nasty'"
He responded: "How beautifully does her name match her! What congruence!"
Her husband took her back.

Introductory Statement

אבות ה:טו

ארבע מידות ביושבי לפני חכמים--ספוג, ומשפך, משמרת, ונפה:  ספוג, שהוא סופג את הכול; משפך--שהוא מכניס בזו, ומוציא בזו; משמרת--שהיא מוציאה את היין, וקולטת את השמרים; ונפה--שהיא מוציאה את הקמח, וקולטת את הסולת

Avot 5:15

There are four types of listeners: "The sponge" absorbs everything, "the funnel" takes it in from one ear and lets it out the other, "the wine filter" (mashmeret) lets the good stuff through and retains only the junk, and "the sifter" lets the nonsense fall through and holds on to the best.

The intent of this blog is to share not wine but sediment: content-less bits of Torah which inevitably slip into limmud. Over my time studying under Avi uMori, I have occasioned to document some of the stories, jokes, and comical remarks in the Talmud and elsewhere with which our limmud is so rich and which keep the Talmidim awake and attentive. Be'ezrat Hashem, I hope to make them available here for any reader who wishes to enjoy them.

I'll start with a story my father is fond of sharing when certain speakers take the podium:

Once, in a small Ukrainian village, there was a member of the Jewish community with a bad habit of reporting on the community to the authorities. As a result, the Jewish members of the town wanted as little to do with him as possible. One year, he demanded of the Rabbi to allow him to act as ba'al toke'a on Rosh Hashana- to blow the Shofar for the whole Bet Kinesset to hear. The Rabbi refused, and the informant turned to the chief of police for help. The chief of police called in the Rabbi for questioning, and, trembling from head to toe, he came immediately.
The three of them sat down and the chief of police said, "Rabbi, my friend here says that you refuse to let him blow the shofar on Rosh Hashana. You wouldn't treat my good friend in such an ill manner, would you?"
"But, your honor," the Rabbi protested, "I suggested instead that he should blow shofar at the conclusion of our holiest day of the calendar, Yom Kippur!" (upon which hearing the shofar is not an actual mitzva).
The chief turned to his companion. "The Rabbi is right, Yom Kippur is definitely the most solemn day on your calendar. Why don't you want to blow on Yom Kippur instead?"
"No way!" The informer shouted. "He's trying to trick us! On Yom Kippur, we only blow one sound. On Rosh Hashana, we blow a hundred!"
"Idiot!" The police chief told him. "Once the shofar is in your hands, blow as many times as you want!"

Some speakers think that once the microphone is in their hands, they can speak for as long as they want. On that note, I will try to keep these posts short and sweet, and not waste away too much of the reader's precious time. I hope you enjoy these little sediments of the wine as much as I do.