Unpopular names and dirty mustaches

יומא פג: 

ר"מ ור' יהודה ור' יוסי הוו קא אזלי באורחא ר' מאיר הוה דייק בשמא ר' יהודה ור' יוסי לא הוו דייקו בשמא כי מטו לההוא דוכתא בעו אושפיזא יהבו להו אמרו לו מה שמך אמר להו כידור אמר ש"מ אדם רשע הוא שנאמר (דברים לב) כי דור תהפוכות המה ר' יהודה ור' יוסי אשלימו ליה כיסייהו ר"מ לא אשלים ליה כיסיה אזל אותביה בי קיבריה דאבוה אתחזי ליה בחלמיה תא שקיל כיסא דמנח ארישא דההוא גברא למחר אמר להו הכי אתחזי לי בחלמאי אמרי ליה חלמא דבי שמשי לית בהו ממשא אזל ר"מ ונטריה כולי יומא ואייתיה למחר אמרו לו הב לן כיסן אמר להו לא היו דברים מעולם אמר להו ר"מ אמאי לא דייקיתו בשמא אמרו ליה אמאי לא אמרת לן מר אמר להו אימר דאמרי אנא חששא אחזוקי מי אמרי משכוהו ועיילוהו לחנותא חזו טלפחי אשפמיה אזלו ויהבו סימנא לדביתהו ושקלוהו לכיסייהו ואייתו אזל איהו וקטליה לאיתתיה היינו <דתנן> [דתניא] מים ראשונים האכילו בשר חזיר מים אחרונים הרגו את הנפש ולבסוף הוו דייקי בשמא כי מטו לההוא ביתא דשמיה בלה לא עיילו לגביה אמרי שמע מינה רשע הוא דכתיב (יחזקאל כג) ואמר לבלה נאפים 

Yoma 83b (loose translation, my own)

Ribbi Meir, Ribbi Yehuda, and Ribbi Yosse used to travel together. R' Meir had a habit of judging people based on their names, and R' Yehuda and R' Yosse did not. One day, they stopped in some city and checked into a local inn.
"What's your name?" They asked the concierge.
"Kidor," he told them.
R' Meir didn't trust him, because of the pasuk in Devarim that says, "For a generation (Ki Dor) of uprising they are, children who you can't trust."
R' Yehuda and R' Yosse entrusted him with their cash over shabbat, and R' Meir did not. Instead, he went and buried his wallet in the graveyard. He happened to bury it, however, right by Kidor's father's grave. That night, Kidor dreamt that his father was telling him to come take the cash buried near his head. Spooked out by the dream, he asked his rabbi guests what to make of it. R' Meir quickly assured him that dreams are meaningless and that there is no cash in the graveyard. As soon as he convinced Kidor to stay home, he ran to the cemetery to look after his hidden wallet so he can dig it up as soon as shabbat was over.
The next day, as they were checking out, the rabbis asked Kidor for the money they deposited with him.
"Money?" said Kidor. "What money? I know not of this money about which you speak!"
"What did you expect from a guy named Kidor?" R' Meir teased them.
"Why didn't you warn us?!" they asked R' Meir.
"Well, when it comes to names, nothing is for sure. I didn't want to spread rumors about this guy over a hunch."
As they were checking out, they noticed that some of the lentils which Kidor had for breakfast were still stuck in his mustache. They were suddenly inspired with a plan. After they left the motel, they stopped by Kidor's home and had a talk with his wife.
"Hey, you know that cash that your husband brought home last night?" They told her. "We're here to pick it up!"
"Okay," she responded, "but how do I know that my husband really sent you?"
"He told us to tell you that this morning you had lentils for breakfast instead of what normal people eat for breakfast."
On the grounds of this sign, she gave them the cash. When Kidor came home and saw what his wife had done, he beat her to death. About this incident the berayta states, "(Not washing up before a meal caused someone to eat pig, and) not washing up after the meal caused someone's death." (Others tell the story that he divorced her, Hullin 106a.)
From this moment on, all three of them were quick to judge people based on their names.

The moral of the story is always wash your hands and mustache after you eat, especially if you're planning on ripping someone off that day.
(On a slightly more serious note, Rabbenu Avraham b. haRambam says in his monograph on aggada that the moral of the story is that our rabbis were so smart that they could outfox all the jerks that tried to rip them off.)

Paternal Care

ירושלמי יומא ב:א

מעשה באחד שקדם את חבירו בתוך ארבע אמות של מזבח נטל חבירו את הסכין ותקעה בלבו עמד לו ר' צדוק על מעלת האולם אמר להן שמעוני אחי בית ישראל כתיב (דברים טז) כי ימצא חלל וגו' ויצאו זקיניך ושופטיך אנו מאיכן לנו למוד מן ההיכל מן העזרות שרון כל עמא בכיין עד דאינון עסיקין בבכייה נכנס אביו של אותו התינוק אמר להן אני כפרתכם אדיין התינוק מפרפר ולא ניטמאת הסכין מלמד שהיתה טומאה קשה להן משפיכות דמים לגנאי 

Yerushalmi Yoma 2:1 (loosely translated, my own)

It had once occurred that a Cohen beat his friend to the mizbe'ach to perform a service in the Bet haMikdash. His friend (some friend this guy was...) pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the heart so he can get there first.
Appalled, R' Tzadok climbed to the steps of the Temple and yelled at the crowd. He said, "By an Egla Arufa, the Torah commands out to measure the distance between the corpse and the nearest cities. From where should we measure, from the Temple itself or from the Courtyard?"
In other words, he was upset that they were so desensitized to murder that it occurred on the Temple grounds itself and nobody seemed to flinch.
The crowd accepted his rebuke and began to sob.
While they were busy sobbing, the father of the victim came and saw the commotion. He turned to the Cohanim and said, "Don't worry, I will be your atonement. In the meantime, get back to work! The boy is still in the throes of death and therefore the knife you used is not yet impure!"
Unfortunately, these people viewed ritual purity with higher regard than murder.

I'm still not sure who takes home the Worst Father in the Talmud award, this guy, or the father from this next story:

חולין צד. 

ואין האורחין רשאין ליתן ממה שלפניהם לבנו ולבתו של בעה"ב אא"כ נטלו רשות מבעה"ב ומעשה באחד שזמן ג' אורחין בשני בצורת ולא היה לו להניח לפניהם אלא כשלש ביצים בא בנו של בעה"ב נטל אחד מהן חלקו ונתנו לו וכן שני וכן שלישי בא אביו של תינוק מצאו שעוזק א' בפיו ושתים בידו חבטו בקרקע ומת כיון שראתה אמו עלתה לגג ונפלה ומתה אף הוא עלה לגג ונפל ומת א"ר אליעזר בן יעקב על דבר זה נהרגו ג' נפשות מישראל 

Hullin 94a (loosely translated, my own again)

Guests at a meal may not share their food with the children of the host without permission. It once happened that during a famine, a host invited 3 people to dinner at his home. All he had to offer them was three rolls, each the size of an egg. The host stepped out for a moment, and the son of the host happened to walk by the table. Each guest gave his share of bread to the child. The dad came by, saw his son with a roll in his mouth and one in each hand, and was so upset that he beat his child to death. When the mother of this child saw what had happened, she threw herself off the roof. He soon followed suit.

A story that not even Edgar Allan Poe could top.  

Ditching Rav Hasda's Shiur

שבת פב. 

אמר ליה רב הונא לרבה בריה מאי טעמא לא שכיחת קמיה דרב חסדא דמחדדן שמעתיה אמר ליה מאי איזיל לגביה דכי אזילנא לגביה מותיב לי במילי דעלמא אמר לי מאן דעייל לבית הכסא לא ליתיב בהדיא ולא ליטרח טפי דהאי כרכשתא אתלת שיני יתיב דילמא משתמטא שיני דכרכשתא ואתי לידי סכנה א"ל הוא עסיק בחיי דברייתא ואת אמרת במילי דעלמא כ"ש זיל לגביה 

Shabbat 82a

Rav Huna once asked his son Rabbah, "Why do you ditch Rav Hasda's shiur? He's so sharp! Don't you want to learn from him?"
Rabba answered, "But dad, what's the point? Every time I go to class, he ends up talking about nonsense! He tells us, "When you're in the bathroom, tone down the intensity or you're going to get hemorrhoids!'"
Rav Huna reprimanded his son, "He's teaching you medicinal practices and you dismiss it as 'nonsense'?! These are the most important kinds of things you can learn from him! From now on, you definitely have to go!"

From here A"A proves that learning Rambam's Hil' De'ot is considered limmud Torah, and is perhaps even more important. 

Would you trust Rav Ashe with 10 Zuz?

בבא מציעא עה: 

אמר רב יהודה אמר רב כל מי שיש לו מעות ומלוה אותן שלא בעדים עובר משום ולפני עור לא תתן מכשול וריש לקיש אמר גורם קללה לעצמו שנאמ' (תהילים לא) תאלמנה שפתי שקר הדוברות על צדיק עתק אמרו ליה רבנן לרב אשי קא מקיים רבינא כל מה דאמור רבנן שלח ליה בהדי פניא דמעלי שבתא לישדר לי מר עשרה זוזי דאתרמי לי קטינא דארעא למזבן שלח ליה ניתי מר סהדי ונכתב כתבא שלח ליה אפילו אנא נמי שלח ליה כל שכן מר דטריד בגירסיה משתלי וגורם קללה לעצמי 

Bava Metsia 75b (loose translation, my own, slightly embellished)

 Rav Yehuda said in the name of Rav that anyone who lends money without witnesses transgresses the prohibition of enabling someone else to sin (because he leaves him opportunity to lie and deny the loan). Resh Lakish said that someone who does this brings a curse upon himself.

One day, the Rabbanim asked Rav Ashe, "Does Ravina adhere to everything that the Sages enacted?"
To test him out, Rav Ashe sent him a message one Erev Shabbat, "I came across a sweet deal on some land, can you lend me 10 Zuz to purchase it?"
Ravina answered, "Sure, draft up a contract and send over some witnesses and I'll be glad to!"
Rav Ashe sent back, "Even for me?! (Do you think I'm going to rip you off or something?)"
Ravina answered, "Especially or you! You're so busy filling that big brain of yours with Torah knowledge that it'll slip your mind, and I'll end up with Resh Lakish's curse!"

Seems like Ravina had a diplomatic answer for everything.

 

 

Don't mess with Ribbi Yohanan

בבא קמא קיז.
ההוא גברא דהוה בעי אחוויי אתיבנא דחבריה אתא לקמיה דרב א"ל לא תחוי ולא תחוי א"ל מחוינא ומחוינא יתיב רב כהנא קמיה דרב שמטיה לקועיה מיניה קרי רב עילויה (ישעיהו נא) בניך עולפו שכבו בראש כל חוצות כתוא מכמר מה תוא זה כיון שנפל במכמר אין מרחמין עליו אף ממון של ישראל כיון שנפל ביד <עובדי כוכבים> {גוים} אין מרחמין עליו א"ל רב כהנא עד האידנא הוו פרסאי דלא קפדי אשפיכות דמים והשתא איכא [רומאי] דקפדו אשפיכות דמים ואמרי מרדין מרדין קום סק לארעא דישראל וקביל עלך דלא תקשי לרבי יוחנן שבע שנין אזיל אשכחיה לריש לקיש דיתיב וקא מסיים מתיבתא דיומא לרבנן אמר להו ריש לקיש היכא אמרו ליה אמאי אמר להו האי קושיא והאי קושיא והאי פירוקא והאי פירוקא אמרו ליה לריש לקיש אזל ריש לקיש א"ל לרבי יוחנן ארי עלה מבבל לעיין מר במתיבתא דלמחר למחר אותבוה בדרא קמא קמיה דר' יוחנן אמר שמעתתא ולא אקשי שמעתתא ולא אקשי אנחתיה אחורי שבע דרי עד דאותביה בדרא בתרא א"ל רבי יוחנן לר"ש בן לקיש ארי שאמרת נעשה שועל אמר יהא רעוא דהני שבע דרי להוו חילוף שבע שנין דאמר לי רב קם אכרעיה א"ל נהדר מר ברישא אמר שמעתתא ואקשי אוקמיה בדרא קמא אמר שמעתתא ואקשי ר' יוחנן הוה יתיב אשבע בסתרקי שלפי ליה חדא בסתרקא מתותיה אמר שמעתתא ואקשי ליה עד דשלפי ליה כולהו בסתרקי מתותיה עד דיתיב על ארעא רבי יוחנן גברא סבא הוה ומסרחי גביניה אמר להו דלו לי עיני ואחזייה דלו ליה במכחלתא דכספא חזא דפרטיה שפוותיה סבר אחוך קמחייך ביה חלש דעתיה ונח נפשיה למחר אמר להו רבי יוחנן לרבנן חזיתו לבבלאה היכי עביד אמרו ליה דרכיה הכי על לגבי מערתא חזא דהוה
 הדרא ליה עכנא א"ל עכנא עכנא פתח פומיך ויכנס הרב אצל תלמיד ולא פתח יכנס חבר אצל חבר ולא פתח יכנס תלמיד אצל הרב פתח ליה בעא רחמי ואוקמיה א"ל אי הוה ידענא דדרכיה דמר הכי לא חלשא דעתי השתא ליתי מר בהדן א"ל אי מצית למיבעי רחמי דתו לא שכיבנא אזילנא ואי לא לא אזילנא הואיל וחליף שעתא חליף תייריה אוקמיה שייליה כל ספיקא דהוה ליה ופשטינהו ניהליה היינו דאמר ר' יוחנן דילכון אמרי דילהון היא:

Bava Kama 117a (Soncino Press translation)
A certain man who was desirous of showing another man's straw [to be confiscated] appeared before Rab, who said to him: 'Don't show it! Don't show it!' He retorted: 'I will show it! I will show it!' R. Kahana was then sitting before Rab, and he tore [that man's] windpipe out of him [in a martial-arts-like manner]. Rab thereupon quoted: Thy sons have fainted, they lie at the heads of all the streets as a wild bull in a net;  just as when a 'wild bull' falls into a 'net' no one has mercy upon it, so with the property of an Israelite, as soon as it falls into the hands of heathen oppressors no mercy is exercised towards it.35  Rab therefore said to him: 'Kahana, until now the [Persians]  who did not take much notice of bloodshed were [here and had sway, but] now the [Romans]  who are particular regarding bloodshed are here, and they will certainly say, "Murder, murder!";  arise therefore and go up to the Land of Israel but take it upon yourself that you will not point out any difficulty to R. Johanan  for the next seven years. When he arrived there he found Resh Lakish sitting and going over  the lecture of the day for [the younger of] the Rabbis.  He thereupon said to them: 'Where is Resh Lakish?'  They said to him: 'Why do you ask?' He replied: 'This point [in the lecture] is difficult and that point is difficult, but this could be given as an answer and that could be given as an answer.' When they mentioned this to Resh Lakish, Resh Lakish went and said to R. Johanan: 'A lion  has come up from Babylon; let the Master therefore look very carefully into tomorrow's lecture.' On the morrow R. Kahana was seated on the first row of disciples before R. Johanan, but as the latter made one statement and the former did not raise any difficulty, another statement, and the former raised no difficulty, R. Kahana was put back through the seven rows until he remained seated upon the very last row. R. Johanan thereupon said to R. Simeon b. Lakish: 'The lion you mentioned turns out to be a [mere] fox.'  R. Kahana thereupon  whispered [in prayer]: 'May it be the will [of Heaven] that these seven rows be in the place of the seven years mentioned by Rab.' He thereupon immediately stood on his feet  and said to R. Johanan: 'Will the Master please start the lecture again from the beginning.' As soon as the latter made a statement [on a matter of law], R. Kahana pointed out a difficulty, and so also when R. Johanan subsequently made further statements, for which he was placed again on the first row. R. Johanan was sitting upon seven cushions. Whenever he made a statement against which a difficulty was pointed out, one cushion was pulled out from under him, [and so it went on until] all the cushions were pulled out from under him and he remained seated upon the ground. As R. Johanan was then a very old man and his eyelashes were overhanging he said to them, 'Lift up my eyes for me as I want to see him.' So they lifted up his eye[lashes] with silver pincers. He saw that R. Kahana's lips were parted  and thought that he was laughing at him. He felt aggrieved and in consequence the soul of R. Kahana went to rest.  On the next day R. Johanan said to our Rabbis, 'Have you noticed how the Babylonian was making [a laughing-stock of us]?' But they said to him, 'This was his natural appearance.' [Rav Kahana was not laughing at Ribbi Yohanan, he was simply funny-looking.] He thereupon went to the cave [of R. Kahana's grave] and saw a snake coiled round it. He said: 'Snake, snake, open thy mouth  and let the Master go in to the disciple.' But the snake did not open its mouth. He then said: 'Let the colleague go in to [his] associate!' But it still did not open [its mouth, until he said,] 'Let the disciple enter to his Master,' when the snake did open its mouth.  He then prayed for mercy and raised him.  He said to him, 'Had I known that the natural appearance of the Master was like that, I should never have taken offence; now, therefore let the Master go with us.' He replied, 'If you are able to pray for mercy that I should never die again [through causing you any annoyance],  I will go with you, but if not I am not prepared to go with you. For later on you might change again.' R. Johanan thereupon completely awakened and restored him and he used to consult him on doubtful points, R. Kahana solving them for him. This is implied in the statement made by R. Johanan: 'What  I had believed to be yours  was In fact theirs.

A"A compared this gemara to the story of the death of Rish Lakish (recorded in Bava Metsia, 84a), also at the hands of Ribbi Yohanan's hak'pada. Don't mess with Ribbi Yohanan.