Don't judge a man by his shopping list

ירושלמי פסחים פרק ד הל' ט 

חד זמן צרכין רבנן נידבא שלחון לר' עקיבה ולחד מן רבנין עמיה.  אתון בעיי מיעול לגביה ושמעון קליה דטלייא א"ל מה ניזבין לך יומא דין א"ל טרוכסמין לא מן יומא דין אלא מן דאתמול דהוא כמיש וזליל.  שבקון ליה ואזלון לון מן דזכין כל עמא אתון לגביה אמר לון למה לא אתיתון גביי קדמיי כמה דהויתון נהיגין אמר כבר אתינן ושמעינן קליה דטלייא אמר לך מה ניזבון לך יומא דין ואמרת ליה טרוכסימון לא מן דיומא דין אלא מן דאתמול דהוא כמיש וזליל.  אמר מה דביני לבין טלייא ידעתין.  לא מה ביני לבין בריי.  אע"פ כך אזלון ואמרו לה והיא יהבה לכון חד מודיי דדינרין אזלין ואמרין לה אמרה לון מה אמר לכון גדיל או מחיק ואמרי לה סתם אמר לן.  אמרה לון אנא יהבה לכון גדיל ואין אמר גדיל הא כמילוי.  ואין לא אנא מחשבנא גודלנה מן פרני.  כיון ששמע בעלה כך כפל לה את כתובתה 

Yerushalmi Pesachim 4:9 

One time, the rabbanim were in need of money, so they sent Ribbi Akiva and one of his colleagues on a fundraising mission. They approached the door of a wealthy donor to ask him for a contribution, but before they could knock they overheard him dictating a shopping list to his son. 

He instructed as follows:

"Please go out and buy vegetables. Don't buy the freshest ones because they are expensive. Instead, find the wilted ones from yesterday and purchase those at a discount price."

Ribbi Akiva decided that this household was a waste of their time, so he moved on to the next donor on his list. 

After they had visited all their other patrons, they had some time to kill and they decided they might as well give this guy a shot, so they went back and knocked on his door. 

"How come you didn't visit me first, like the collectors usually do?" the man asked them. 

"We'll be honest with you." Ribbi Akiva said. "We overheard you telling your boy to purchase discount vegetables and we figured you were not the kind of person who would donate largely."

"What you overheard concerned my personal expenses. You have no right to assume what concerns me and my creator. Take this giant bowl to my wife and tell her to fill it with gold coins for you."

Overjoyed, they approached the philanthropist's wife and told her the instructions they were given.

"Did he tell you to fill the bowl evenly to the edge or to pile coins on it until it overflows?" She asked them.

"He didn't specify one way or the other." they answered.

"I will fill it until it overflows," she told them, "and if that isn't what he intended, let it come out of my own personal finances."

When her husband later heard what she had done, he was so pleased that he doubled the value of her ketuba. 

The moral of the story is twofold. Firstly, do not be quick to judge someone's personality from a single encounter. Induction of such a manner is rarely accurate. The second lesson comes from the donor himself: one must recognize which expenses in life are transient and which are forever. 

Debunking misconceptions about your own identity

"תוספות בבא מציעא דף קיד ע"א (נמשך בע"ב) ד"ה "מהו שיסדרו בבעל חוב 

וכן נמצא בתשובת גאון שכתב שיש בסדר אליהו רבה שנחלקו עליו יש אומרים שהיה מבני בני בניה של לאה ואמר להם איני אלא מזרעה של רחל וא"כ לא היה כהן וכאן אומר שכהן היה ומסיים התם אמרו לו תן סימן לדבריך אמר להן כך כתוב ביחוסו של בנימין ויערשיה ואליה וזכרי בני ירוחם אמרו לו לא כך אמרת לאותה אלמנה עשי לי משם עוגה קטנה ולך ולבנך תעשה באחרונה ולא כהן אתה פי' לפי שכהן הוא היה רוצה ליטול חלה תחילה אמר להם אותו תינוק משיח בן יוסף היה ורמז רמזתי לעולם שאני בא תחילה

Tosafot Bava Metzia 114a 

[Regarding whether or not Eliyahu HaNavi is a kohen,] it is written from the Geonim that there's a Midrash about Eliyahu HaNavi that goes as follows:

There was a rumor going around the rabbis that Eliyahu HaNavi was a descendant of Leah. 

He appeared to them and told them, "What are you guys talking about? I'm a descendant of Rachel!"

(It is apparent from this Midrash that Eliyahu HaNavi was not a kohen and therefore cannot be an alter ego of Pinehas. However, there are other gemarot that imply that he was in fact a kohen.)

The midrash continues: The rabbis doubted his lineage, and asked him to prove it. 

"I'm actually listed by name in Divre Hayamim among the offspring of Binyamin!" He told them. 

"We don't get it..." the rabbis responded, "didn't you tell the poor widow to give you her first portion of bread because you're a kohen and you were collecting your entitled challah?"

"Nah, that wasn't challah," Eliyahu HaNavi told them. "That was supposed to be symbolic. That widow's child is Mashiach ben Yosef. The first portion of bread was symbolic that when his time comes, I will arrive first to clear the way for him."

One of the most mysterious figures in TaNa"CH is Eliyahu HaNavi. Apparently this mystery dates back to the times of the Midrash, and required Eliyahu HaNavi himself to come by and bust a few misconceptions about his own identity.

Two approaches to Olam Haba

סנהדרין דף קיא ע"א

"לכן הרחיבה שאול נפשה ופערה פיה לבלי חוק"
אמר ר"ל- למי שמשייר אפי' חוק אחד
אמר לו יוחנן- לא ניחא למרייהו דאמרת להו הכי אלא לא למד אפילו חוק אחד

  

Sanhedrin 111a 

"Hell shall widen its mouth and swallow those without Law" (Yeshayahu 5:14)
Rish Lakish said: Hell swallows those who neglected even a single Law.
Ribbi Yochanan told him: God doesn't appreciate that you judge His people so harshly. Rather, the pasuk means as follows- Hell swallows up only those who wouldn't even observe a single Law.

A"A says that we see here two distinct approaches to olam haba. In Rish Lakish's paradigm, Hell has an all-or-nothing nature. If you screw up once, you're out of the race. Ribbi Yochanan flips it. Observing even one mitzvah is enough to keep you out of Hell.
As we have discussed previously, the Rambam's approach (as presented in Perush Hamishna Makot 3:17) is consistent with Ribbi Yochanan.

(It is worth noting that all this is only relevant when discussing God's account of our observance. Between man and his fellow, those who outright reject even a single mitzvah of the Torah are given the halachic status of "meshumadim" (Rambam Hil' Teshuva 3:9).)

The olive oil tycoon

מנחות דף פה ע"ב

תנו רבנן (דברים לג) וטובל בשמן רגלו זה חלקו של אשר שמושך שמן כמעין אמרו פעם א' נצרכו להן אנשי לודקיא בשמן מינו להן פולמוסטוס אחד אמרו לו לך והבא לנו שמן במאה ריבוא הלך לירושלים אמרו לו לך לצור הלך לצור אמרו לו לך לגוש חלב הלך לגוש חלב אמרו לו לך אצל פלוני לשדה הלז ומצאו שהיה עוזק תחת זיתיו אמר לו יש לך שמן במאה ריבוא שאני צריך אמר לו המתן לי עד שאסיים מלאכתי המתין עד שסיים מלאכתו לאחר שסיים מלאכתו הפשיל כליו לאחוריו והיה מסקל ובא בדרך אמר לו יש לך שמן במאה ריבוא כמדומה אני ששחוק שחקו בי היהודים כיון שהגיע לעירו הוציאה לו שפחתו קומקמום של חמין ורחץ בו ידיו ורגליו הוציאה לו ספל של זהב מליאה שמן וטבל בו ידיו ורגליו לקיים מה שנאמר וטובל בשמן רגלו לאחר שאכלו ושתו מדד לו שמן במאה ריבוא אמר לו כלום אתה צריך ליותר אמר לו הן אלא שאין לי דמים אמר לו אם אתה רוצה ליקח קח ואני אלך עמך ואטול דמיו מדד לו שמן בשמונה עשר ריבוא אמרו לא הניח אותו האיש לא סוס ולא פרד ולא גמל ולא חמור בארץ ישראל שלא שכרו כיון שהגיע לעירו יצאו אנשי עירו לקלסו אמר להם לא לי קלסוני אלא לזה שבא עמי שמדד לי שמן במאה ריבוא והרי נושה בי בשמונה עשרה ריבוא לקיים מה שנאמר (משלי יג) יש מתעשר ואין כל מתרושש והון רב

Menachot 85b

It was taught in a berayta: The pasuk in Vezot Haberacha blesses the tribe of Asher that they should bathe their feet in oil. The following story illustrates the actualization of this blessing.

One time, the people of Ludkia needed oil. They appointed a (non-Jewish) officer to go out and purchase a million dollars worth of oil. He went to Jerusalem, and they told him, "Go to Tzur." He went to the Tzur region and they told him, "Go to the town of Gush Chalav." He went to the town of Gush Chalav, and they told him, "Go to so-and-so in his field, he'll hook you up."

He went to the field, and found a man digging at the olive trees. 

"I need a million dollars worth of olive oil. Do you know where I can find it?" He asked the worker.

"Sure, just wait until I finish my work." He answered.

When he finished his work, he put his tools on his shoulder and started walking back into town. As he walked, he stopped to clear rocks out of the olive field. 

"This field worker is gonna sell me a million dollars worth of olive oil?" The officer thought to himself. "This must be some sort of prank. Jewish humor...."

When the field worker arrived back in town, a servant rushed out with hot water and cleaned his hands and feet. Another servant came out with a gold basin of olive oil and bathed his feet in it. (This is consistent with the promise of the pasuk in Vezot Haberacha.) 

The two men sat down and ate dinner. When the meal was over, the field worker measured out a million dollars worth of olive oil for the officer. The officer was in awe at this man's wealth.

"Are you sure you don't need more?" The field worker asked him.

"You have more!?" The officer asked in amazement. "We could sure use more oil, I just didn't bring enough cash! I hardly believed I would find someone to sell me a million dollars worth of olive oil, let alone more!" 

"Don't worry!" The worker told him. "You can take it on credit. I'll walk you back home and you can pay me then." 

The officer rented every horse, mule, camel and donkey that he could find. He purchased another $180,000 worth of oil.

When they got back to the town, the residents were blown away by how much oil this officer succeeded in purchasing. 

"Don't be impressed with me!" He told them. This worker right here is the real impressive one among us!"

The moral of the story, concludes the gemara, is what Shelomo HaMelech writes in Mishle: Some people act rich but have nothing, others have everything but act down-to-earth.  

Shemuel and the Portable Bathroom

בכורות דף מד ע"ב 

שמואל איצטריך ליה בשבתא דרגלא נגדו ליה גלימא אתא לקמיה דאבוה א"ל אתן לך ד' מאה זוזי וזיל אהדר עובדא את דאפשר לך דלא אפשר ליה ליסתכן מר בר רב אשי איצטריך אגודא גמלא אשתין אמרו ליה חמתך קאתיא אמר להו באודנה

Bechorot 44b 

Shemuel needed to use the bathroom, so his talmidim spread out their jackets and created a divider to provide privacy for him. 

When his father heard about the incident, he said: "I would give you four hundred zuz to go take back what you've done! Announce in public that it is forbidden to wait until you have privacy before urinating. You see, for you it's easy. You have talmidim at your beck and call who will provide you with a divider whenever you need. But what about those who don't have access to that kind of luxury? They will hold it in until they can find a private spot, and it will cause damage to their urogenital tract!"  

Today, a certain talmid chacham approached A"A with a question regarding carrying a cell phone on Shabbat in a case of pikuach nefesh. A"A permitted it. The talmid chacham recommended a gimmick to avoid some of the issur- if the carrier places the cell phone in a bag with something that is not muktze, perhaps he can establish the bag as a basis ledavar hammutar and permit the muktze of the phone! A"A forbade him from making this recommendation. 

"If you add conditions to make it 'extra permissible'," He told the inquirer, "people may mistakenly believe that it is only muttar under these conditions. This might lead them to abandon the actual halacha when your gimmick is unavailable or not being used. And that in turn may lead to pikuach nefesh." 

He proved his stance from this gemara- it is forbidden to add chumrot in such a situation, lest someone else misunderstand, mistakenly believe that the chumra is a necessity, and fail to keep the din properly.

Outsmarting the spite

יבמות דף סג ע"א 

רב הוה קא מצערא ליה דביתהו כי אמר לה עבידי לי טלופחי עבדא ליה חימצי חימצי עבדא ליה טלופחי כי גדל חייא בריה אפיך לה אמר ליה איעליא לך אמך אמר ליה אנא הוא דקא אפיכנא לה אמר ליה היינו דקא אמרי אינשי דנפיק מינך טעמא מלפך את לא תעביד הכי שנאמר (ירמיהו ט) למדו לשונם דבר שקר 

Yevamot 63a 

Rav would get tormented by his wife. Whatever he would ask of her, she would spitefully do the opposite. If he would ask for lentil soup, he would get chimtzi beans. If he would ask for chimtzi beans, he would get lentils. 

One day, he found that she had made lentils, just like he had requested! 

"Your mother finally stopped mistreating me!" he happily told his son Chiya.

"Actually..." Chiya said, "I told Mom that you want chimtzi beans today. I knew she would switch it on you and you would get the dinner you were actually craving."

"That's what they mean when they say, 'That which you produce is more capable than you are.' However, you must stop. It is, after all, dishonest to trick your mother like that. One must never use dishonest means for getting what he wants, lest it becomes a habit."

Sometimes in life, we find that we can outsmart people's hurtful behavior by lowering ourselves to their standards. However, A"A demonstrates from this gemara, this is not the correct approach. We must maintain our standard of behavior at all times, even when dealing with spiteful spouses and other unpleasantness. 

Double dipping

נדרים דף מט ע"ב

רבי יוסי ורבי יהודה חד אכיל דייסא באצבעתיה וחד אכיל בהוצא א"ל דאכיל בהוצא לדאכיל באצבעתיה עד מתי אתה מאכילני צואתך אמר ליה דאכיל באצבעתיה לדאכיל בהוצא עד מתי אתה מאכילני רוקך

Nedarim 49b

Ribbi Yosse and Ribbi Yehuda had a difference of habit when sharing a bowl of cereal: one would eat it with his hands and the other would use a spoon. 

"For how long must I endure being fed the dirt off your hands?!" the spoon-eater said to the hand-eater.

"You're one to speak!" the hand-eater replied. "I see you double dipping with that spoon. For how long must I endure being fed your saliva?"

Prophecy and Psychosis

בבא בתרא דף יב ע"ב  

א"ר יוחנן מיום שחרב בית המקדש ניטלה נבואה מן הנביאים וניתנה לשוטים ולתינוקות

Bava Batra 12b

Ribbi Yochanan says: Since the day that the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed, prophecy was taken away from the nevi'im and given instead to the psychotic and small children. 

A"A says that if anyone ever claims to you that he received a prophecy, you can be confident that he is either lying or mentally ill. 

Talmudic tips for prevention of neurodegenerative disease

הוריות דף יג ע"ב 

חמשה דברים משיבים את הלימוד פת פחמין וכל שכן פחמין עצמן והאוכל ביצה מגולגלת בלא מלח והרגיל בשמן זית והרגיל ביין ובשמים והשותה מים של שיורי עיסה ויש אומרים אף הטובל אצבעו במלח ואוכל הרגיל בשמן זית מסייע ליה לרבי יוחנן דאמר רבי יוחנן כשם שהזית משכח לימוד של שבעים שנה כך שמן זית משיב לימוד של שבעים שנה

Horayot 13b 

Five things that preserve one's memory: Eating bread baked over charcoal and all the more so actual charcoal (- Rash"i) [alternatively- wheaten bread and much more so wheat itself - Soncino Talmud translation], eating hard-boiled eggs without salt, frequent use of olive oil, wine and pleasant scents, and the leftover water from the baking of bread....

'Frequent use of olive oil' confirms what Ribbi Yochanan would say: Just as olives can make you forget seventy years worth of learning, olive oil can preserve seventy years worth of learning. 

Over the past few decades, much research has been put into Alzheimer's disease and its prevention. One of the most effective methods for preventing Alzheimer's disease was a special diet dubbed the MIND diet. It was found to reduce or delay the onset of Alzheimer's disease, even among individuals with a high genetic predisposition to developing it. Among the notable features of the mind diet is the exclusive use of olive oil, a glass of wine daily, and whole grain bread. 

The Angel of Death

עבודה זרה דף כ ע"ב

אמרו עליו על מלאך המות שכולו מלא עינים בשעת פטירתו של חולה עומד מעל מראשותיו וחרבו שלופה בידו וטיפה של מרה תלויה בו כיון שחולה רואה אותו מזדעזע ופותח פיו וזורקה לתוך פיו ממנה מת ממנה מסריח ממנה פניו מוריקות 

Avoda Zara 20b 

It is said of the Angel of Death that he is covered in eyes. At the time that an ill person is ready to die, he stands at the head of the sick person with a sword in his hand. One drop hangs at the tip. The sick person's jaw drops in fear, and the drop falls in. That one drop kills the individual, causes the individual to rot, and their face to go white. 

This gemara is rife with imagery, but has halacha lemaase ramifications as well: When someone passes away at home, it is customary to dispose of all the water in the house. One of the reasons given for this practice is because we are afraid that perhaps a drop of the Angel of Death's horrible toxin diffused into it (בית יוסף יו"ד ס"ס שלט).