Outsmarting the spite

יבמות דף סג ע"א 

רב הוה קא מצערא ליה דביתהו כי אמר לה עבידי לי טלופחי עבדא ליה חימצי חימצי עבדא ליה טלופחי כי גדל חייא בריה אפיך לה אמר ליה איעליא לך אמך אמר ליה אנא הוא דקא אפיכנא לה אמר ליה היינו דקא אמרי אינשי דנפיק מינך טעמא מלפך את לא תעביד הכי שנאמר (ירמיהו ט) למדו לשונם דבר שקר 

Yevamot 63a 

Rav would get tormented by his wife. Whatever he would ask of her, she would spitefully do the opposite. If he would ask for lentil soup, he would get chimtzi beans. If he would ask for chimtzi beans, he would get lentils. 

One day, he found that she had made lentils, just like he had requested! 

"Your mother finally stopped mistreating me!" he happily told his son Chiya.

"Actually..." Chiya said, "I told Mom that you want chimtzi beans today. I knew she would switch it on you and you would get the dinner you were actually craving."

"That's what they mean when they say, 'That which you produce is more capable than you are.' However, you must stop. It is, after all, dishonest to trick your mother like that. One must never use dishonest means for getting what he wants, lest it becomes a habit."

Sometimes in life, we find that we can outsmart people's hurtful behavior by lowering ourselves to their standards. However, A"A demonstrates from this gemara, this is not the correct approach. We must maintain our standard of behavior at all times, even when dealing with spiteful spouses and other unpleasantness. 

Handsome soldiers and crucified prisoners

תוספות קידושין דף פ ע"ב ד"ה כי ההוא מעשה

מעשה באשה אחת שהיתה בוכה ומתאוננת על קבר בעלה והיה שם אדם אחד שהיה שומר תלוי אחד וצוה לו המלך לשומרו ובא אצל האשה ופיתה אותה ושמעה לו וכשחזר אצל התלוי לא מצאו והיה מצטער מאד מפחד המלך אמרה לו האשה "אל תירא קח בעלי מקברו ותלהו במקומו" ואפיקתיה לבעלה ותלהו. הרי לך שאפילו בשעת אנינות נתגבר יצרה עליה

Tosafot Kiddushin 80b 

Once upon a time, there was a woman crying over the fresh grave of her recently deceased husband. Nearby, a Roman soldier was on guard-duty watching a crucified prisoner. The two exchanged nervous glances, began flirting, and ended up running off to spend the night together.
After returning to his post, the soldier found that his crucified prisoner had gone missing.
"Oh no!" he declared. "The captain will have my head for this!"
"Don't worry," his new acquaintance comforted him, "Just dig up my husband and put his body up on the cross instead. Nobody will know the difference!"

I don't think A"A has ever showed us a more disturbing story in the Talmud than this one. I feel shivers down my spine every time he tells it over. Between the grieving wife running off with a Roman soldier, the missing crucified prisoner, and the exhumed husband, it is difficult to pinpoint which part of this story is truly most horrifying. 

Selective Babylonians and their dating habits

קידושין דף עא ע"ב

זעירי הוה קא מישתמיט מיניה דר' יוחנן דהוה אמר ליה נסיב ברתי יומא חד הוו קאזלי באורחא מטו לעורקמא דמיא ארכביה לר' יוחנן אכתפיה וקא מעבר ליה א"ל אורייתן כשרה בנתין לא כשרן מאי דעתיך אילימא מדתנן עשרה יוחסין עלו מבבל כהני לויי אטו כהני לויי וישראלי כולהו סליקו כי היכי דאישתיור מהני אישתיור נמי מהני אישתמיטתיה הא דאמר ר"א לא עלה עזרא מבבל עד שעשאה כסולת נקייה ועלה 

Kiddushin 71b

Zeiri would constantly avoid Ribbi Yohanan's pleas to marry his daughter.  One day they were on the road together and came to a river that was blocking their route. 

"Hop on my shoulders and I'll carry you across!" Zeiri said to Ribbi Yohanan (who was apparently a weak swimmer). 

"Why all the respect?" Ribbi Yohanan asked him. "My Torah is good enough for you but my daughter isn't? Do you think that your yichus is better than mine just because you're from Bavel and I'm from Eretz Yisrael?"

Ribbi Yohanan forgot about Ribbi Eliezer's statement: "Ezra didn't leave Bavel until he sifted it thoroughly and removed all the pesulim and took them with him to Eretz Yisrael." 

We see from this Gemara how careful they were back in the day about yichus. A"A pointed out that Ribbi Yohanan was extremely good looking according to the Gemara (Berachot 20a) and its reasonable to assume that his daughters were probably hot too. But Zeiri was still careful not to marry into his family because they weren't Babylonian. 

Breaking the Language Barrier

נדרים דף סו ע"ב

ההוא בר בבל דסליק לארעא דישראל נסיב איתתא אמר לה בשילי לי תרי טלפי בשילה ליה תרי טלפי רתח עלה למחר אמר לה בשילי לי גריוא בשילה ליה גריוא אמר לה זילי אייתי לי תרי בוציני אזלת ואייתי ליה תרי שרגי אמר לה זילי תברי יתהון על רישא דבבא הוה יתיב בבא בן בוטא אבבא וקא דאין דינא אזלת ותברת יתהון על רישיה אמר לה מה הדין דעבדת אמרה ליה כך ציוני בעלי אמר את עשית רצון בעליך המקום יוציא ממך שני בנים כבבא בן בוטא

Nedarim 66b

There was once a man who moved from Bavel to Israel. He married an Israeli girl, but he and his wife spoke different dialects of Aramit.
One day, he came home from work pretty hungry. "Honey," he told his wife, "Can you cook me a couple of lentils?"
"Sure," she said, and cooked him two lentils.
The next day, he came home from work hungry and annoyed at his incompetent wife. "This time, cook a ton!" So she cooked a barrel full of lentils for him.
"Go get two melons from the supermarket!" he told his wife, giving up on her ability to cook.
"Sure, honey!" she said, and came back with two candles.
When she came back from the supermarket with candles, he lost his temper. "GO SMASH THOSE CANDLES ON THE HEAD OF THE DOORPOST (bava)!" he shouted at her.
Teary eyed and heartbroken, but determined to please her husband and fulfill his request, she went and smashed the candles on the local Rabbi, Bava b. Buta's head.
"Why??!" R Bava b. Buta asked her, bewildered.
"I'm sorry, k'vod harav, but my husband told me to! I just wanted him to be happy!" she explained through tears.
"In that case," the Rav told her, "May you merit to two sons as great as Bava b. Buta!"

 

How to maintain a successful polygynous relationship

פסחים קיג.

[א"ל] רב לרב אסי לא תדור במתא דלא צניף בה סוסיא ולא נבח בה כלבא ואל תדור בעיר דריש מתא אסיא ולא תנסיב תרתי אי נסבת תרתי נסיב תלת 

פרש"י: ולא תינסב תרי. נשים שמא תתיעצנה עליך רעה: נסיב תלת. שאם תתיעצנה השלישית מגלה לה.

Pesachim 113a

Some advice from Rav: Don't marry two wives. (Because they might conspire against you. Rash"i.) If you've already married two wives, marry a third. (So that if the other two try to conspire against you, the third will rat them out. Rash"i.)

Dating Rav's Daughter

יבמות מה.

ואף רב מורה בה היתירא
דההוא דאתא לקמיה דרב אמר ליה "<עובד כוכבים> {גוי} ועבד הבא על בת ישראל מהו?"
 אמר לו "הולד כשר"
אמר ליה "הב לי ברתך!"
"לא יהיבנא לך!"
אמר שימי בר חייא לרב "אמרי אינשי גמלא במדי אקבא רקדא הא קבא והא גמלא והא מדי ולא רקדא"
א"ל "אי ניהוי כיהושע בן נון לא יהיבנא ליה ברתי"
א"ל "אי הוה כיהושע בן נון אי מר לא יהיב ליה אחריני יהבי ליה האי אי מר לא יהיב ליה אחריני לא יהבי ליה!"
לא הוה קאזיל מקמיה יהיב ביה עיניה ושכיב 

Yevamoth 45a

Rav was also of the opinion that if the father of a child is not Jewish, the child is not a mamzer. One guy (who had a non-Jewish father) once asked Rav, "Am I a mamzer or am I kasher?"

"You're okay." Rav told him.

"Great," the guy responded to him, "I want to marry your daughter!"

"I'm not giving you my daughter." Rav retorted. 

Rav Shimi b. Hiya told Rav, "Put your money where your mouth is!"

"Even if this guy was the next Yehoshua bin Nun I wouldn't give him my daughter!" Rav declared.

"If I was the next Yehushua bin Nun," the guy told him, "I wouldn't need your daughter! I could have any girl I wanted!"

The guy wouldn't get out of Rav's face, so Rav gave him a dirty look and he died. 

Moral of the story: Don't be too persistent when you ask out Rav's daughter or he'll literally (well, maybe not literally) stare you to death.