Let us be grateful to the crooks

כתובות דף סז ע"ב

רבי חנינא הוה ההוא עניא דהוה רגיל לשדורי ליה ארבעה זוזי כל מעלי שבתא יומא חד שדרינהו ניהליה ביד דביתהו אתאי אמרה ליה לא צריך מאי חזית שמעי דהוה קאמרי ליה במה אתה סועד בטלי כסף או בטלי זהב אמר היינו דאמר רבי אלעזר בואו ונחזיק טובה לרמאין שאלמלא הן היינו חוטאין בכל יום שנאמר (דברים טו) וקרא עליך אל ה' והיה בך חטא

Ketubot 67b

Ribbi Chanina had a practice of delivering 4 zuz every Erev Shabbat to a certain poor person. One day he sent the 4 zuz with his wife. She returned home with the money.

"Why didn't you give it to the poor person?" Rav Chanina asked her.

"He doesn't need it!" She responded. 

"How do you know?" 

"When I showed up, they were setting the Shabbat table. They asked him, 'Should we use the expensive linen tablecloth or the expensive silk tablecloth?'"

Rav Chanina proclaimed, "Now I understand what Ribbi Elazar would say: Let us be grateful to the crooks, for if not for them we would all be considered sinners."

Thanks to the crooks, we have a legitimate reason to be suspicious of any random person who asks for tzedaka. Otherwise, we might be in gross violation of neglecting the poor. 

The shochet and his dog

שמות כב ל 

וְאַנְשֵׁי קֹדֶשׁ תִּהְיוּן לִי וּבָשָׂר בַּשָּׂדֶה טְרֵפָה לֹא תֹאכֵלוּ לַכֶּלֶב תַּשְׁלִכוּן אֹתוֹ

Shemot 22:30 

And you shall be for me a holy people. Do not eat terefa meat; send it before the dog instead.

There once was a shochet who worked in a small village slaughterhouse processing chickens for the townsfolk. When he was unsure if a chicken was taref or not, he would approach the dayan of the village and seek an answer.
The owner of the slaughterhouse learned of this practice and disapproved.
"Why do you waste so much time traveling out to the local dayan?" He asked him one day. "I have a more efficient way to determine whether or not the chicken of question is kosher. Offer it to the dog! If the dog accepts, it must be terefa, for it is written in the Torah 'Do not eat terefa meat; send it before the dog instead.' If the dog rejects it, the chicken must be kasher!"
"Okay," said the naive shochet, "I'll give it a try."
The next time a kashrut question arose, he took the chicken and placed it before the guard dog. The dog was well trained to not accept food from strangers and did not attempt to eat it.
"Must be kosher!" the shochet said.
The next day, another questionable chicken was placed before the dog. Again, the dog held itself back. The chicken was ruled to be kosher.
On the third day, the dog's instinct finally kicked in and he willingly accepted the chicken. The chicken was ruled to be taref. Once he saw that no harm came to him, he no longer refrained and all the chickens that were placed before him were ruled to be not kasher.
After two weeks of taref rulings on his chickens, the shochet decided to go back to the dayan with his questions.
"If you don't mind me asking," the dayan told him, "Where have you been these past two weeks? It was the longest stretch I have ever seen you go without coming to me with a kashrut question!"
"Well," said the shochet hesitantly, "The truth is that I tried a new posek. But he turned out to be way too machmir."

Busted

מסכת כלה רבתי פרק ט 

לעולם יהא כל אדם בעיניך כליסטים והוי מכבדן כרבן גמליאל. מעשה בר׳ יהושע שהיה אכסניא אצלו בא אדם אחד נתן לו אכילה ושתיה והעלהו לעליה. ונטל סולם מתחתיו מה עשה אדם זה עמד בחצי הלילה פרש טליתו ונטל את הכלים וכרכן בטליתו וביקש לירד ונפל ונשברה מפרקתו לשחרית בא ר׳ יהושע ומצאו א״ל ריקה כך עושין בני אדם שכמותך אמר לא הייתי יודע שנטלת סולם מתחתי א״ל אין אתה יודע שאנו זהירין בך מאמש

Kallah Rabti Perek 9

You should always be suspicious of those around you as if they are bandits. On the other hand, you should nevertheless treat those around you with the utmost respect, as if they are the Nasi Rabban Gamliel himself.

One time, Ribbi Yehoshua hosted a guest in his home. Ribbi Yehoshua provided him graciously with ample food and drink. When nighttime came, he arranged sleeping accommodations for the guest on the second floor of his house. When the guest entered his room, Ribbi Yehoshua removed the ladder used to descend from the upper level and went to sleep.

What did this guy do? at midnight, he gathered up all of the items in his room and wrapped them in his jacket. Then the would-be burglar tried to sneak off. He attempted to descend from his room but the ladder was missing. Instead, he took a tumble.

The next morning, Ribbi Yehoshua found him lying in a heap with a broken spine and a jacket full of stolen goods.

"Jerk! What kind of behavior is this?!" Ribbi Yehoshua asked of him.

"I didn't know the ladder was missing!" Responded the thief, apparently missing the point.

"I'm no idiot. You should have known that I was on to you from the start!" Ribbi Yehoshua informed him. 

Don't try to burgle Ribbi Yehoshua.

Alcoholic flush

ירושלמי פסים פרק י הלכה א 

רבי יודה בי רבי אלעי שתי ארבעתי כסוי דלילי פיסחא וחזיק רישיה עד חגא חמתי' חדא מטרונה אפוי נהירין אמר' לי' סבא סבא חדא מן תלת מילין אית בך או שתיי חמר את או מלוה בריבית או את מגדל חזירים את אמר לה תיפח רוחה דהיא איתתא הדא מן אילין תלתי מילייא לית בי אלא אולפני שכיח לי דכתיב (קוהלת ח) חכמת אדם תאיר פניו

Yerushalmi Pesachim 10:1 

Ribbi Yehuda b. Ribbi Ilai would drink the four cups of wine of the Seder night and would experience migraines until Succot.
One day, a Roman baroness saw him after Pesach with heavy flushing in his face.
"Old man! Based on that glow, I deduce that you fall into one of the following three categories." the Sherlock Holmes wannabe told him. "You are either an alcoholic, or you are a moneylender who never had to stress about your parnassa, or you are a swine farmer who earns a ton by monopolizing the pork industry in Israel. Nothing else can bring such a glow to your face."
"Get lost!" he responded. "I am none of these things. Rather, my wisdom causes my glow, as the pasuk in Kohelet says, 'A person's wisdom will light up his face.'"

Ribbi Yehuda b. Ribbi Ilai likely suffered from an acetaldehyde dehydrogenase deficiency.