Let us be grateful to the crooks

כתובות דף סז ע"ב

רבי חנינא הוה ההוא עניא דהוה רגיל לשדורי ליה ארבעה זוזי כל מעלי שבתא יומא חד שדרינהו ניהליה ביד דביתהו אתאי אמרה ליה לא צריך מאי חזית שמעי דהוה קאמרי ליה במה אתה סועד בטלי כסף או בטלי זהב אמר היינו דאמר רבי אלעזר בואו ונחזיק טובה לרמאין שאלמלא הן היינו חוטאין בכל יום שנאמר (דברים טו) וקרא עליך אל ה' והיה בך חטא

Ketubot 67b

Ribbi Chanina had a practice of delivering 4 zuz every Erev Shabbat to a certain poor person. One day he sent the 4 zuz with his wife. She returned home with the money.

"Why didn't you give it to the poor person?" Rav Chanina asked her.

"He doesn't need it!" She responded. 

"How do you know?" 

"When I showed up, they were setting the Shabbat table. They asked him, 'Should we use the expensive linen tablecloth or the expensive silk tablecloth?'"

Rav Chanina proclaimed, "Now I understand what Ribbi Elazar would say: Let us be grateful to the crooks, for if not for them we would all be considered sinners."

Thanks to the crooks, we have a legitimate reason to be suspicious of any random person who asks for tzedaka. Otherwise, we might be in gross violation of neglecting the poor. 

The shochet and his dog

שמות כב ל 

וְאַנְשֵׁי קֹדֶשׁ תִּהְיוּן לִי וּבָשָׂר בַּשָּׂדֶה טְרֵפָה לֹא תֹאכֵלוּ לַכֶּלֶב תַּשְׁלִכוּן אֹתוֹ

Shemot 22:30 

And you shall be for me a holy people. Do not eat terefa meat; send it before the dog instead.

There once was a shochet who worked in a small village slaughterhouse processing chickens for the townsfolk. When he was unsure if a chicken was taref or not, he would approach the dayan of the village and seek an answer.
The owner of the slaughterhouse learned of this practice and disapproved.
"Why do you waste so much time traveling out to the local dayan?" He asked him one day. "I have a more efficient way to determine whether or not the chicken of question is kosher. Offer it to the dog! If the dog accepts, it must be terefa, for it is written in the Torah 'Do not eat terefa meat; send it before the dog instead.' If the dog rejects it, the chicken must be kasher!"
"Okay," said the naive shochet, "I'll give it a try."
The next time a kashrut question arose, he took the chicken and placed it before the guard dog. The dog was well trained to not accept food from strangers and did not attempt to eat it.
"Must be kosher!" the shochet said.
The next day, another questionable chicken was placed before the dog. Again, the dog held itself back. The chicken was ruled to be kosher.
On the third day, the dog's instinct finally kicked in and he willingly accepted the chicken. The chicken was ruled to be taref. Once he saw that no harm came to him, he no longer refrained and all the chickens that were placed before him were ruled to be not kasher.
After two weeks of taref rulings on his chickens, the shochet decided to go back to the dayan with his questions.
"If you don't mind me asking," the dayan told him, "Where have you been these past two weeks? It was the longest stretch I have ever seen you go without coming to me with a kashrut question!"
"Well," said the shochet hesitantly, "The truth is that I tried a new posek. But he turned out to be way too machmir."

Busted

מסכת כלה רבתי פרק ט 

לעולם יהא כל אדם בעיניך כליסטים והוי מכבדן כרבן גמליאל. מעשה בר׳ יהושע שהיה אכסניא אצלו בא אדם אחד נתן לו אכילה ושתיה והעלהו לעליה. ונטל סולם מתחתיו מה עשה אדם זה עמד בחצי הלילה פרש טליתו ונטל את הכלים וכרכן בטליתו וביקש לירד ונפל ונשברה מפרקתו לשחרית בא ר׳ יהושע ומצאו א״ל ריקה כך עושין בני אדם שכמותך אמר לא הייתי יודע שנטלת סולם מתחתי א״ל אין אתה יודע שאנו זהירין בך מאמש

Kallah Rabti Perek 9

You should always be suspicious of those around you as if they are bandits. On the other hand, you should nevertheless treat those around you with the utmost respect, as if they are the Nasi Rabban Gamliel himself.

One time, Ribbi Yehoshua hosted a guest in his home. Ribbi Yehoshua provided him graciously with ample food and drink. When nighttime came, he arranged sleeping accommodations for the guest on the second floor of his house. When the guest entered his room, Ribbi Yehoshua removed the ladder used to descend from the upper level and went to sleep.

What did this guy do? at midnight, he gathered up all of the items in his room and wrapped them in his jacket. Then the would-be burglar tried to sneak off. He attempted to descend from his room but the ladder was missing. Instead, he took a tumble.

The next morning, Ribbi Yehoshua found him lying in a heap with a broken spine and a jacket full of stolen goods.

"Jerk! What kind of behavior is this?!" Ribbi Yehoshua asked of him.

"I didn't know the ladder was missing!" Responded the thief, apparently missing the point.

"I'm no idiot. You should have known that I was on to you from the start!" Ribbi Yehoshua informed him. 

Don't try to burgle Ribbi Yehoshua.

Alcoholic flush

ירושלמי פסים פרק י הלכה א 

רבי יודה בי רבי אלעי שתי ארבעתי כסוי דלילי פיסחא וחזיק רישיה עד חגא חמתי' חדא מטרונה אפוי נהירין אמר' לי' סבא סבא חדא מן תלת מילין אית בך או שתיי חמר את או מלוה בריבית או את מגדל חזירים את אמר לה תיפח רוחה דהיא איתתא הדא מן אילין תלתי מילייא לית בי אלא אולפני שכיח לי דכתיב (קוהלת ח) חכמת אדם תאיר פניו

Yerushalmi Pesachim 10:1 

Ribbi Yehuda b. Ribbi Ilai would drink the four cups of wine of the Seder night and would experience migraines until Succot.
One day, a Roman baroness saw him after Pesach with heavy flushing in his face.
"Old man! Based on that glow, I deduce that you fall into one of the following three categories." the Sherlock Holmes wannabe told him. "You are either an alcoholic, or you are a moneylender who never had to stress about your parnassa, or you are a swine farmer who earns a ton by monopolizing the pork industry in Israel. Nothing else can bring such a glow to your face."
"Get lost!" he responded. "I am none of these things. Rather, my wisdom causes my glow, as the pasuk in Kohelet says, 'A person's wisdom will light up his face.'"

Ribbi Yehuda b. Ribbi Ilai likely suffered from an acetaldehyde dehydrogenase deficiency. 

Don't judge a man by his shopping list

ירושלמי פסחים פרק ד הל' ט 

חד זמן צרכין רבנן נידבא שלחון לר' עקיבה ולחד מן רבנין עמיה.  אתון בעיי מיעול לגביה ושמעון קליה דטלייא א"ל מה ניזבין לך יומא דין א"ל טרוכסמין לא מן יומא דין אלא מן דאתמול דהוא כמיש וזליל.  שבקון ליה ואזלון לון מן דזכין כל עמא אתון לגביה אמר לון למה לא אתיתון גביי קדמיי כמה דהויתון נהיגין אמר כבר אתינן ושמעינן קליה דטלייא אמר לך מה ניזבון לך יומא דין ואמרת ליה טרוכסימון לא מן דיומא דין אלא מן דאתמול דהוא כמיש וזליל.  אמר מה דביני לבין טלייא ידעתין.  לא מה ביני לבין בריי.  אע"פ כך אזלון ואמרו לה והיא יהבה לכון חד מודיי דדינרין אזלין ואמרין לה אמרה לון מה אמר לכון גדיל או מחיק ואמרי לה סתם אמר לן.  אמרה לון אנא יהבה לכון גדיל ואין אמר גדיל הא כמילוי.  ואין לא אנא מחשבנא גודלנה מן פרני.  כיון ששמע בעלה כך כפל לה את כתובתה 

Yerushalmi Pesachim 4:9 

One time, the rabbanim were in need of money, so they sent Ribbi Akiva and one of his colleagues on a fundraising mission. They approached the door of a wealthy donor to ask him for a contribution, but before they could knock they overheard him dictating a shopping list to his son. 

He instructed as follows:

"Please go out and buy vegetables. Don't buy the freshest ones because they are expensive. Instead, find the wilted ones from yesterday and purchase those at a discount price."

Ribbi Akiva decided that this household was a waste of their time, so he moved on to the next donor on his list. 

After they had visited all their other patrons, they had some time to kill and they decided they might as well give this guy a shot, so they went back and knocked on his door. 

"How come you didn't visit me first, like the collectors usually do?" the man asked them. 

"We'll be honest with you." Ribbi Akiva said. "We overheard you telling your boy to purchase discount vegetables and we figured you were not the kind of person who would donate largely."

"What you overheard concerned my personal expenses. You have no right to assume what concerns me and my creator. Take this giant bowl to my wife and tell her to fill it with gold coins for you."

Overjoyed, they approached the philanthropist's wife and told her the instructions they were given.

"Did he tell you to fill the bowl evenly to the edge or to pile coins on it until it overflows?" She asked them.

"He didn't specify one way or the other." they answered.

"I will fill it until it overflows," she told them, "and if that isn't what he intended, let it come out of my own personal finances."

When her husband later heard what she had done, he was so pleased that he doubled the value of her ketuba. 

The moral of the story is twofold. Firstly, do not be quick to judge someone's personality from a single encounter. Induction of such a manner is rarely accurate. The second lesson comes from the donor himself: one must recognize which expenses in life are transient and which are forever. 

Debunking misconceptions about your own identity

"תוספות בבא מציעא דף קיד ע"א (נמשך בע"ב) ד"ה "מהו שיסדרו בבעל חוב 

וכן נמצא בתשובת גאון שכתב שיש בסדר אליהו רבה שנחלקו עליו יש אומרים שהיה מבני בני בניה של לאה ואמר להם איני אלא מזרעה של רחל וא"כ לא היה כהן וכאן אומר שכהן היה ומסיים התם אמרו לו תן סימן לדבריך אמר להן כך כתוב ביחוסו של בנימין ויערשיה ואליה וזכרי בני ירוחם אמרו לו לא כך אמרת לאותה אלמנה עשי לי משם עוגה קטנה ולך ולבנך תעשה באחרונה ולא כהן אתה פי' לפי שכהן הוא היה רוצה ליטול חלה תחילה אמר להם אותו תינוק משיח בן יוסף היה ורמז רמזתי לעולם שאני בא תחילה

Tosafot Bava Metzia 114a 

[Regarding whether or not Eliyahu HaNavi is a kohen,] it is written from the Geonim that there's a Midrash about Eliyahu HaNavi that goes as follows:

There was a rumor going around the rabbis that Eliyahu HaNavi was a descendant of Leah. 

He appeared to them and told them, "What are you guys talking about? I'm a descendant of Rachel!"

(It is apparent from this Midrash that Eliyahu HaNavi was not a kohen and therefore cannot be an alter ego of Pinehas. However, there are other gemarot that imply that he was in fact a kohen.)

The midrash continues: The rabbis doubted his lineage, and asked him to prove it. 

"I'm actually listed by name in Divre Hayamim among the offspring of Binyamin!" He told them. 

"We don't get it..." the rabbis responded, "didn't you tell the poor widow to give you her first portion of bread because you're a kohen and you were collecting your entitled challah?"

"Nah, that wasn't challah," Eliyahu HaNavi told them. "That was supposed to be symbolic. That widow's child is Mashiach ben Yosef. The first portion of bread was symbolic that when his time comes, I will arrive first to clear the way for him."

One of the most mysterious figures in TaNa"CH is Eliyahu HaNavi. Apparently this mystery dates back to the times of the Midrash, and required Eliyahu HaNavi himself to come by and bust a few misconceptions about his own identity.

Two approaches to Olam Haba

סנהדרין דף קיא ע"א

"לכן הרחיבה שאול נפשה ופערה פיה לבלי חוק"
אמר ר"ל- למי שמשייר אפי' חוק אחד
אמר לו יוחנן- לא ניחא למרייהו דאמרת להו הכי אלא לא למד אפילו חוק אחד

  

Sanhedrin 111a 

"Hell shall widen its mouth and swallow those without Law" (Yeshayahu 5:14)
Rish Lakish said: Hell swallows those who neglected even a single Law.
Ribbi Yochanan told him: God doesn't appreciate that you judge His people so harshly. Rather, the pasuk means as follows- Hell swallows up only those who wouldn't even observe a single Law.

A"A says that we see here two distinct approaches to olam haba. In Rish Lakish's paradigm, Hell has an all-or-nothing nature. If you screw up once, you're out of the race. Ribbi Yochanan flips it. Observing even one mitzvah is enough to keep you out of Hell.
As we have discussed previously, the Rambam's approach (as presented in Perush Hamishna Makot 3:17) is consistent with Ribbi Yochanan.

(It is worth noting that all this is only relevant when discussing God's account of our observance. Between man and his fellow, those who outright reject even a single mitzvah of the Torah are given the halachic status of "meshumadim" (Rambam Hil' Teshuva 3:9).)

The olive oil tycoon

מנחות דף פה ע"ב

תנו רבנן (דברים לג) וטובל בשמן רגלו זה חלקו של אשר שמושך שמן כמעין אמרו פעם א' נצרכו להן אנשי לודקיא בשמן מינו להן פולמוסטוס אחד אמרו לו לך והבא לנו שמן במאה ריבוא הלך לירושלים אמרו לו לך לצור הלך לצור אמרו לו לך לגוש חלב הלך לגוש חלב אמרו לו לך אצל פלוני לשדה הלז ומצאו שהיה עוזק תחת זיתיו אמר לו יש לך שמן במאה ריבוא שאני צריך אמר לו המתן לי עד שאסיים מלאכתי המתין עד שסיים מלאכתו לאחר שסיים מלאכתו הפשיל כליו לאחוריו והיה מסקל ובא בדרך אמר לו יש לך שמן במאה ריבוא כמדומה אני ששחוק שחקו בי היהודים כיון שהגיע לעירו הוציאה לו שפחתו קומקמום של חמין ורחץ בו ידיו ורגליו הוציאה לו ספל של זהב מליאה שמן וטבל בו ידיו ורגליו לקיים מה שנאמר וטובל בשמן רגלו לאחר שאכלו ושתו מדד לו שמן במאה ריבוא אמר לו כלום אתה צריך ליותר אמר לו הן אלא שאין לי דמים אמר לו אם אתה רוצה ליקח קח ואני אלך עמך ואטול דמיו מדד לו שמן בשמונה עשר ריבוא אמרו לא הניח אותו האיש לא סוס ולא פרד ולא גמל ולא חמור בארץ ישראל שלא שכרו כיון שהגיע לעירו יצאו אנשי עירו לקלסו אמר להם לא לי קלסוני אלא לזה שבא עמי שמדד לי שמן במאה ריבוא והרי נושה בי בשמונה עשרה ריבוא לקיים מה שנאמר (משלי יג) יש מתעשר ואין כל מתרושש והון רב

Menachot 85b

It was taught in a berayta: The pasuk in Vezot Haberacha blesses the tribe of Asher that they should bathe their feet in oil. The following story illustrates the actualization of this blessing.

One time, the people of Ludkia needed oil. They appointed a (non-Jewish) officer to go out and purchase a million dollars worth of oil. He went to Jerusalem, and they told him, "Go to Tzur." He went to the Tzur region and they told him, "Go to the town of Gush Chalav." He went to the town of Gush Chalav, and they told him, "Go to so-and-so in his field, he'll hook you up."

He went to the field, and found a man digging at the olive trees. 

"I need a million dollars worth of olive oil. Do you know where I can find it?" He asked the worker.

"Sure, just wait until I finish my work." He answered.

When he finished his work, he put his tools on his shoulder and started walking back into town. As he walked, he stopped to clear rocks out of the olive field. 

"This field worker is gonna sell me a million dollars worth of olive oil?" The officer thought to himself. "This must be some sort of prank. Jewish humor...."

When the field worker arrived back in town, a servant rushed out with hot water and cleaned his hands and feet. Another servant came out with a gold basin of olive oil and bathed his feet in it. (This is consistent with the promise of the pasuk in Vezot Haberacha.) 

The two men sat down and ate dinner. When the meal was over, the field worker measured out a million dollars worth of olive oil for the officer. The officer was in awe at this man's wealth.

"Are you sure you don't need more?" The field worker asked him.

"You have more!?" The officer asked in amazement. "We could sure use more oil, I just didn't bring enough cash! I hardly believed I would find someone to sell me a million dollars worth of olive oil, let alone more!" 

"Don't worry!" The worker told him. "You can take it on credit. I'll walk you back home and you can pay me then." 

The officer rented every horse, mule, camel and donkey that he could find. He purchased another $180,000 worth of oil.

When they got back to the town, the residents were blown away by how much oil this officer succeeded in purchasing. 

"Don't be impressed with me!" He told them. This worker right here is the real impressive one among us!"

The moral of the story, concludes the gemara, is what Shelomo HaMelech writes in Mishle: Some people act rich but have nothing, others have everything but act down-to-earth.  

Shemuel and the Portable Bathroom

בכורות דף מד ע"ב 

שמואל איצטריך ליה בשבתא דרגלא נגדו ליה גלימא אתא לקמיה דאבוה א"ל אתן לך ד' מאה זוזי וזיל אהדר עובדא את דאפשר לך דלא אפשר ליה ליסתכן מר בר רב אשי איצטריך אגודא גמלא אשתין אמרו ליה חמתך קאתיא אמר להו באודנה

Bechorot 44b 

Shemuel needed to use the bathroom, so his talmidim spread out their jackets and created a divider to provide privacy for him. 

When his father heard about the incident, he said: "I would give you four hundred zuz to go take back what you've done! Announce in public that it is forbidden to wait until you have privacy before urinating. You see, for you it's easy. You have talmidim at your beck and call who will provide you with a divider whenever you need. But what about those who don't have access to that kind of luxury? They will hold it in until they can find a private spot, and it will cause damage to their urogenital tract!"  

Today, a certain talmid chacham approached A"A with a question regarding carrying a cell phone on Shabbat in a case of pikuach nefesh. A"A permitted it. The talmid chacham recommended a gimmick to avoid some of the issur- if the carrier places the cell phone in a bag with something that is not muktze, perhaps he can establish the bag as a basis ledavar hammutar and permit the muktze of the phone! A"A forbade him from making this recommendation. 

"If you add conditions to make it 'extra permissible'," He told the inquirer, "people may mistakenly believe that it is only muttar under these conditions. This might lead them to abandon the actual halacha when your gimmick is unavailable or not being used. And that in turn may lead to pikuach nefesh." 

He proved his stance from this gemara- it is forbidden to add chumrot in such a situation, lest someone else misunderstand, mistakenly believe that the chumra is a necessity, and fail to keep the din properly.

Outsmarting the spite

יבמות דף סג ע"א 

רב הוה קא מצערא ליה דביתהו כי אמר לה עבידי לי טלופחי עבדא ליה חימצי חימצי עבדא ליה טלופחי כי גדל חייא בריה אפיך לה אמר ליה איעליא לך אמך אמר ליה אנא הוא דקא אפיכנא לה אמר ליה היינו דקא אמרי אינשי דנפיק מינך טעמא מלפך את לא תעביד הכי שנאמר (ירמיהו ט) למדו לשונם דבר שקר 

Yevamot 63a 

Rav would get tormented by his wife. Whatever he would ask of her, she would spitefully do the opposite. If he would ask for lentil soup, he would get chimtzi beans. If he would ask for chimtzi beans, he would get lentils. 

One day, he found that she had made lentils, just like he had requested! 

"Your mother finally stopped mistreating me!" he happily told his son Chiya.

"Actually..." Chiya said, "I told Mom that you want chimtzi beans today. I knew she would switch it on you and you would get the dinner you were actually craving."

"That's what they mean when they say, 'That which you produce is more capable than you are.' However, you must stop. It is, after all, dishonest to trick your mother like that. One must never use dishonest means for getting what he wants, lest it becomes a habit."

Sometimes in life, we find that we can outsmart people's hurtful behavior by lowering ourselves to their standards. However, A"A demonstrates from this gemara, this is not the correct approach. We must maintain our standard of behavior at all times, even when dealing with spiteful spouses and other unpleasantness.